Category: Government
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Long Island School Board Installs Panic Room Equipped With Podcast Blockers Following Imaginary Threats
Long Island, NY – In a bold and preemptive move to safeguard against a series of threats described only as “purely conceptual,” the Hosanna Heights School District in Long Island has proudly unveiled its state-of-the-art panic room, strategically embedded beneath the school auditorium’s trapdoor. In an astonishing display of foresight, the room is engineered to…
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U.S. Department of Relationship Management to Launch Pilot Program Featuring Celebrity Mediation by Billionaire Rappers
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking initiative aimed at improving the emotional economics of the nation, the newly formed U.S. Department of Relationship Management announced an innovative pilot program today. The initiative will introduce celebrity mediation by billionaire rappers as a tool to resolve interpersonal conflicts, thereby enhancing the productivity and happiness of American workers.…
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City Council Unveils Aggressive New Parking Regulations Encouraging Residents to Live in Their Cars Full-Time
Des Moines, IA – In a bold move to tackle the ever-escalating issue of urban congestion, the Des Moines City Council has officially rolled out a suite of stringent parking policies designed with one intriguing goal in mind: to make it more convenient for residents to convert their personal vehicles into permanent living quarters. This…
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Big 12 Conference Accidentally Declares Texas Tech National Champion After Misinterpreting Their Own Tie-Breaker Rules
Dallas, TX – In an unprecedented turn of events, the Big 12 Conference has inadvertently crowned Texas Tech University as the national football champion after a complex and, as it turns out, incomprehensible interpretation of their own tie-breaker guidelines. The announcement, which surprised sports analysts and fans alike, came on the heels of a routine…
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Unlicensed Gila Monster Nightclub Shut Down After Reptiles Found Drinking Behind The Bar
Anytown, USA – In a shocking turn of events that has left the local nightclub scene reeling, the popular hangout “Scales & Tails” was raided by health officials and subsequently shut down on Tuesday evening after authorities discovered a clandestine operation involving several intoxicated Gila monsters found behind the bar. The underground establishment had been…
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Albania Appoints AI as Minister of Sunshine, Citing Human Need for More Disappointments
Tirana, Albania – In a groundbreaking decision that reflects both the country’s commitment to innovation and an acute misunderstanding of meteorology, the Albanian government has proudly announced the appointment of an artificial intelligence system as the nation’s first-ever Minister of Sunshine. This unprecedented move has stirred applause and bewilderment among citizens, as it promises to…
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Australian Government Announces New National Holiday Celebrating Ignorance, Warns Participation May Result In $39,653 Fine
SYDNEY, AU – In a groundbreaking move to highlight the contributions of the uninformed, the Australian Government has announced the creation of a new national holiday: National Ignorance Day. According to a press release from the Ministry of Cultural Regression, the holiday aims to “honor the blissfulness of ignorance and the everyday Australians who embody…
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Governor Announces Plan to Uproot Public Trust and Replant It in More Convenient Location
Albany, NY – In an unprecedented move to rejuvenate the state’s political landscape, Governor Edith Caldwell announced a bold initiative to uproot the deeply-entrenched public trust and relocate it to a more central and convenient location. The governor, addressing the press outside the state capitol, assured citizens that the relocation would allow for easier access…
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Governor Unveils Plan to Reforest City by Cutting Down Trees, Planting Them Elsewhere for Dramatic Effect
Albany, NY – In a bold and unprecedented move to combat urban deforestation, Governor Maxwell Greenfield announced yesterday a revolutionary initiative to reforest the city by cutting down its existing trees and planting them in entirely new locations for what he described as “added dramatic resonance.” Governor Greenfield assured citizens that the plan, dubbed “Operation…
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UK Government Accidentally Elevates Netflix Soap Opera to Official Foreign Policy Strategy
London, UK – In an unprecedented move late Tuesday night, the UK government has accidentally adopted the intricate plot of the popular Netflix soap opera “Lords & Liaisons” as the cornerstone of its new foreign policy strategy. Officials allege that a mix-up occurred during a routine clerical swap when an overworked intern mistook the melodrama’s…