Category: Government
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U.S. Treasury Announces New Initiative to Directly Harness Disappointment from Overseas AI Chip Sales
In an attempt to tap into a previously unexploited national resource, the U.S. Treasury Department Monday unveiled a bold initiative to directly harness the staggering disappointment generated by the country’s declining overseas AI chip sales. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen described the plan as “the next logical step for American innovation,” after supply chain bottlenecks, rising…
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U.N. Appoints Wild Card to Leadership Role, Cites Need for Someone Who Understands Chaos Theory
In a surprise move Monday, the United Nations announced the appointment of “Wild Card”—a self-described “unpredictable force of nature” who once defeated a Rubik’s Cube by eating it—as its new global Secretary-General, arguing that only someone thoroughly conversant in chaos theory could successfully usher the world through its current phase of spectacular dysfunction. At a…
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U.S. Education Department Unveils New Drone Headsets to Detect Cheating Thoughts During Exams
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are hailing as a “watershed achievement for academic integrity and American forehead technology,” the U.S. Department of Education announced Tuesday its plan to deploy drone-mounted neural surveillance headsets—dubbed “BrainTrusts”—to monitor students’ thoughts for evidence of pre-cheating intent during standardized tests. “Paper, pencils, calculator bans—those are Band-Aids,” proclaimed Assistant Education Secretary Lena…
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Bureaucratic Miracle: Bihar Now Requires Emotional Support Animal to Submit Own Tax Returns
In a bold stride toward administrative inclusion, the state of Bihar announced yesterday that all emotional support animals are now legally required to file annual tax returns, “in accordance with their emotional responsibilities and taxable wag income.” The new measure comes as part of “Project Equitable Accountability,” a sweeping reform aimed at ensuring what officials…