Category: Government
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Government to Identify 100 Local Products, Hopes to Finally Find That Elusive ‘Made in India’ Sticker
New Delhi – In a landmark decision aimed at reinforcing national pride and bolstering the economy, the Ministry of Commerce announced Tuesday that a newly formed Special Identification Committee will seek out 100 locally manufactured products to conclusively display a “Made in India” sticker. The move is part of a broader initiative to revive faith…
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Yamuna River Proudly Unflooded As Air Now Consists Entirely Of Condensed Water Vapor And Good Intentions
New Delhi, India – In an unprecedented turn of environmental fortune, the Yamuna River, long plagued by seasonal flooding, stands commendably unflooded this year due to an innovative approach by Mother Nature. This achievement is reportedly made possible by the complete transformation of surrounding air into a dense layer of water vapor imbued with the…
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Kremlin Unveils New ‘Emotional Authenticity Czar’ to Help Putin Connect With Imaginary Audience
Moscow – In a groundbreaking move that emphasizes the Kremlin’s commitment to transparency and emotional depth, a new “Emotional Authenticity Czar” has been appointed to help President Vladimir Putin cultivate a more genuine connection with his imaginary audience. This unprecedented role seeks to bridge the emotional chasm between the Russian leader and the entirely fictional…
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Trade Minister Proudly Returns With Bag of American Air, Declares It ‘Symbolic Victory’
London, UK — Celebrating what he described as “a monumental achievement in cross-Atlantic relations,” Trade Minister Nigel Flufferton returned triumphantly from a recent diplomatic excursion to the United States, clutching a partially deflated Ziploc bag containing authentic American air. Minister Flufferton declared the acquisition an “unparalleled symbolic victory” in the pursuit of international goodwill and…
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U.S. and Britain Finalize Landmark Agreement to Share Responsibility for Next Global Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a historic accord announced today, the United States and the United Kingdom have ratified a treaty that formally obligates both nations to share responsibility for the next inevitable global crisis. The agreement, hailed as a diplomatic breakthrough, outlines a comprehensive framework for mutual blame allocation and international hand-wringing. The new treaty…
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U.S. and Britain Seal Historic Deal to Share Nuclear Secrets and All Future Awkward Silences
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented leap forward for international diplomacy, the United States and the United Kingdom have signed a groundbreaking agreement to jointly share all current and future nuclear secrets, as well as any awkward silences that may arise during high-level collaborations. Experts are hailing this as a new era of transparency and…
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LSU Coach Suspiciously Invested in Network of Secret Passageways After Latest Press Conference Evasion
Baton Rouge, LA – In what experts are calling a groundbreaking innovation in college athletics, LSU’s head football coach, Dennis “Smokescreen” McAllister, has allegedly funneled departmental funds into a labyrinthine network of secret passageways beneath the university’s athletic center following his latest abrupt departure from a press conference. This comes after McAllister successfully evaded uncomfortable…
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Vuelta Organizers Apologize After Mistaking Protestors for New Team Sponsored by Global Chaos
Madrid, Spain – In an astonishing turn of events at this year’s Vuelta a España, organizers have issued a formal apology after the accidental inclusion of protestors in the race as a team dubbed “Global Chaos.” The mix-up reportedly occurred during the registration phase when the group, armed with banners and chants, were mistaken for…
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White House Installs Anonymous Suggestion Box That Only Sends Feedback To Trump’s Bathroom Mirror
Washington, D.C. – In an unprecedented move to foster increased transparency and direct communication, the White House has installed an anonymous suggestion box with a unique purpose: all feedback will be projected directly onto the bathroom mirror of former President Donald Trump. This cutting-edge initiative is part of the newly unveiled “Reflective Governance Program,” a…
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School Board Cancels Meeting After Imaginary Threats From Fictitious Speaker; Authorities Offer Meditation Instead
Pretoria, IA – The Pretoria Unified School District took an unprecedented step this week by canceling a much-anticipated board meeting due to threats reported from a speaker entirely of their own imagination. The district has since announced that local authorities will be providing a series of guided meditation sessions in lieu of addressing the fabricated…