Category: Gaming
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Street Fighter 6 Announces New DLC: Guile’s Hair Now a Sentient Being with Its Own Spin-off Series
Redwood City, CA – Capcom has announced a major new addition to Street Fighter 6, confirming that fan favorite Guile’s iconic hair will debut as a fully sentient character in forthcoming downloadable content. The move comes after months of speculation about how the franchise would continue to evolve its roster, with developers citing extensive player…
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Vermont Launches ‘Find the Water’ Lottery as Citizens Gamify Basic Survival
Montpelier, VT – The state of Vermont this week unveiled the nation’s first “Find the Water” Lottery, an innovative public-private initiative intended to incentivize residents in a growing number of water-scarce communities to locate, identify, and access potable water sources. State officials described the lottery as a cutting-edge solution to longstanding hydration challenges, positioning Vermont…
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In Effort to Compete with Animal Crossing, FromSoftware Announces Dark Souls IV: A Cozy Social Simulator Where You Can Finally Die of Seasonal Depression
TOKYO, JAPAN — Hoping to corner the ever-expanding market of “cozy but emotionally devastating” games, legendary developer FromSoftware announced its boldest project yet: Dark Souls IV: Kindling of Kinship, a serene, wholesome social simulator that swaps swords for sourdough starters—and slowly replaces boss fights with existential dread. In what analysts are calling “the least FromSoftware…
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Supreme Court Rules 5-4 That Mario Tennis Now Legally Recognized As Contact Sport
Washington, D.C. – In a landmark decision delivered late Thursday afternoon, the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 that the popular video game, Mario Tennis, is now legally recognized as a contact sport. The decision came after a contentious debate fueled by a growing number of digital athletic injuries and critical questions about the nature of sporting…
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Gaming Convention Erupts Into Chaos As Falcon-Shaped Keyboard Mistaken For Actual Predator
Phoenix, AZ – The annual International Gamers’ Summit, held this year at the Arizona Convention Center, descended into utter pandemonium on Tuesday after a highly anticipated presentation by keyboard manufacturer HawkTyper went awry. Attendees fled the event in droves when what appeared to be a peregrine falcon suddenly swooped through the convention hall, only to…
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E-Sports League Unveils New Hawk-Themed Controller, Insists It’s Not Watching You Back
Silicon Valley, CA – In a bold move that some are calling a “stroke of genius” while others whisper about “Big Brother tactics,” the National E-Sports League (“NESL”) has unveiled its latest innovation: the Talon XG, a hawk-themed controller with more features than a Swiss Army knife in a gadget showroom. The Talon XG, designed…
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Nintendo Finally Releases Switch 2, Says It’s “The Future of Gaming, Probably”
KYOTO, JAPAN — After years of anticipation and a marketing campaign built almost entirely on interpretive dance and vague silhouettes, Nintendo has officially released the Switch 2, the next-generation console that promises to redefine the gaming experience, or at the very least, clarify none of it. “This is the most advanced system we’ve ever created,”…
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WOTC Executes Brilliant Money-Saving Strategy: Aetherdrift
RENTON, WA — Wizards of the Coast (WOTC) has once again proven its business acumen by unveiling its newest cost-saving initiative for consumers: Aetherdrift, a revolutionary Magic: The Gathering product so profoundly unappealing that players will effortlessly retain their money by choosing not to buy it. “We’re always looking for innovative ways to enhance our…
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