Category: Environment
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New Study Finds Link Between Morning Traffic Jams and Perpetual Existential Crises
In a finding that has already been described by commute-weary Americans as “deeply unsurprising but also somehow soul-collapsing,” researchers this week announced evidence of a robust correlation between morning traffic congestion and the development of permanent, free-floating existential crises that persist long after the car is parked. The longitudinal study, led by the Center for…
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Pentagon Unveils Revolutionary Defense Strategy of Painting Enemy Lines Over New Headquarters Location
In an unprecedented move, the Pentagon has unveiled a groundbreaking defense strategy that involves painting enemy lines over the new headquarters location, effectively confusing any potential threats into believing they have already conquered the facility. This bold initiative comes as part of a broader effort to modernize military tactics by incorporating elements of abstract expressionism…
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New City Ordinance Requires All Ducks to Have a Driver’s License by 2025
In an unprecedented move to curtail what officials have dubbed a “fowl menace,” the city council announced on Monday that all ducks within city limits must obtain a driver’s license by 2025. The ordinance comes after a series of incidents involving erratic waddling and jay-flying, which have reportedly caused widespread panic among pedestrians and local…
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National Weather Service Announces New Ultra-Specific Forecasts After Hiring Psychic Octopus
In a groundbreaking move that has sent ripples through the meteorological community, the National Weather Service (NWS) announced today that they have hired an unprecedented consultant to aid in their forecasting efforts: Paul the Psychic Octopus. Famous for his flawless predictions during the 2010 FIFA World Cup, Paul has been resurrected from retirement—allegedly with a…
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AI Sentience Rejected by Supreme Court Due to Lack of Permanent Address
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court has definitively ruled against granting sentience to artificial intelligence, citing the primary reason as the entities’ inability to provide a permanent address. Despite compelling arguments presented by a coalition of legal experts, ethicists, and particularly eloquent chatbots, the justices maintained that without an address, AI lacks the fundamental…
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New Government Program Successfully Converts National Debt Into Collectible NFTs
In an unprecedented move that has left economists scratching their heads and art collectors reaching for their digital wallets, the federal government announced today the successful conversion of the national debt into a series of limited-edition collectible NFTs. The initiative, dubbed “Debt-Chain,” aims to transform trillions of dollars in debt into what officials are calling…
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Traffic Committee Deploys Innovative Solution: Infinite Roundabout to Save Space and Time
In a groundbreaking move that is sure to revolutionize urban planning and test the limits of human patience, the city’s Traffic Committee has unveiled its latest innovation: the Infinite Roundabout. This marvel of modern engineering promises to save both space and time by eliminating those pesky concepts altogether. The Infinite Roundabout, which will be installed…
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Board of Education Unveils Revolutionary Classroom Experience: The Outdoor Window View Simulator
In a groundbreaking move poised to redefine the educational landscape, the Board of Education has unveiled its latest innovation: The Outdoor Window View Simulator. This cutting-edge technology promises to transport students from their dreary classroom confines into a virtual world of natural splendor without ever leaving their desks. The simulator, which consists of a 50-inch…
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Breaking News: Nation’s Cats Demand Equal Representation in Dog Parks, Citing “Pawlitical” Discrimination
In a groundbreaking movement that has shaken suburban America to its core, the nation’s feline population has issued a unanimous meow for equal representation in dog parks, rallying against what they describe as “pawlitical” discrimination, overly typifying the monopolistic tendencies of man’s best friend. This unexpected demand comes after what some are calling the first…
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Breakthrough Wellness Hack: Guru Recommends Breathing Less to Save Oxygen for Future Generations
In a move that has left wellness enthusiasts clutching their Himalayan salt lamps in excitement, self-proclaimed breathing guru and certified cosmic advisor, Starlight Moonbeam, has announced a revolutionary new wellness hack: breathing less. In her latest blog post, titled “Green Respiration: Less Is Bore,” Moonbeam claims that by cutting down on oxygen intake, individuals can…