Category: Education
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University Hopes Renting Stadium Suites for Fantasy Football Drafts Distracts from Missing Library Roof
In a bid to provide an unparalleled experiential service for fantasy football enthusiasts—and possibly divert attention from a more pressing structural matter—Hartwell University has unveiled an innovative initiative allowing eager participants to rent lavish stadium suites to hold their draft picks. This comes as the university continues to deliberate on the absence of the library’s…
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Unprecedented Harmony Achieved at PTA Meeting as Parents Adopt ‘Disarm First, Ask Questions Later’ Protocol
For the first time in district history, last night’s Briarwood Elementary School PTA meeting ended not in chaos, but in what witnesses are calling a “miracle of constructive dialogue”—a development many attribute to the controversial new “Disarm First, Ask Questions Later” protocol. Eyewitnesses described the unprecedented peace as “eerie.” “Usually, the instant someone mentions bake…
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High School Track Star Reclaims Victory by Implementing Intricate Maze from Former Labyrinth Designer Career
WILLOWDALE, OH—Area high school track phenom Nick Chalmers stunned the regional athletic community Thursday evening after integrating a complex, hedge-based labyrinth into the 400-meter relay, drawing on skills acquired during his six-year tenure as “Maze Artificer” at the now-foreclosed Wiltshire Hedge Mazes & Mini-Golf. The event, which began with standard stretching and modestly inspiring pep…
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Judges Implement ‘Honor System’ for Convicted Felons, Prompting Surge in Creative Writing Classes
In a sweeping reform intended to “restore dignity and nurture artistic merit,” the National Council of Judges announced Thursday that convicted felons will now be released on the ‘honor system,’ a policy shift credited with a 4000% uptick in demand for creative writing classes, poetry clubs, and experimental improvisational theater. Under the new program, felons…
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U.S. Education Department Unveils New Drone Headsets to Detect Cheating Thoughts During Exams
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are hailing as a “watershed achievement for academic integrity and American forehead technology,” the U.S. Department of Education announced Tuesday its plan to deploy drone-mounted neural surveillance headsets—dubbed “BrainTrusts”—to monitor students’ thoughts for evidence of pre-cheating intent during standardized tests. “Paper, pencils, calculator bans—those are Band-Aids,” proclaimed Assistant Education Secretary Lena…
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High School Athlete Exploits Little-Known Loophole In Physics To Win Race Without Touching Ground
MONTGOMERY, AL—Spectators at the regional track-and-field meet were left dumbstruck Friday as local high school senior Marcus “The Floater” Dewberry won the boys’ 400-meter dash in record time, despite his feet never once making contact with the ground. Witnesses report Dewberry, a B-minus physics student and self-identified “gravity skeptic,” hovered three inches above the image…
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Board of Education Unveils Revolutionary Classroom Experience: The Outdoor Window View Simulator
In a groundbreaking move poised to redefine the educational landscape, the Board of Education has unveiled its latest innovation: The Outdoor Window View Simulator. This cutting-edge technology promises to transport students from their dreary classroom confines into a virtual world of natural splendor without ever leaving their desks. The simulator, which consists of a 50-inch…