Category: Education
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Teen Suspended for Piercings as School Implements Mandatory Vanilla Aesthetic Policy
Pleasant View, OH – A local high school student has been suspended this week for violating Pleasant View Regional High’s new “Mandatory Vanilla Aesthetic Policy,” which prohibits visible piercings, strong fragrances, or non-neutral tones in attire. The suspension, administered Monday, marks the first enforcement action under the district’s ambitious Uniform Culture Initiative, announced last month…
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Texas Tech Declares Sovereignty After Historic Win, Demands Recognition from United Nations and NCAA
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally declared sovereignty late Monday night, hours after its men’s basketball team clinched a historic 68-61 victory over a long-standing rival. In a statement issued from the university’s athletic director’s office, Texas Tech called upon the United Nations and the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) to “immediately and unequivocally…
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Texas Tech Celebrates Arrival as College Football Powerhouse by Inventing New Sport to Dominate Next Season
Lubbock, TX – Texas Tech University formally commemorated its ascendance to the upper echelons of collegiate football this week by announcing the immediate invention of a new athletic endeavor, provisionally titled “Gridiron Sphereball.” In a joint press conference with the Southwest Association of Competitive Activities, university officials confirmed their intent to dominate this original sport…
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Arkansas Invests in Groundbreaking “Win-Loss Insurance” Policy to Offset Future Coaching Buyout Costs
Little Rock, AR – In a move heralded by state officials as “fiscally innovative,” Arkansas has become the first state to purchase a comprehensive “Win-Loss Insurance” policy designed to shield public universities from the escalating cost of athletic coaching buyouts. The policy, underwritten by the boutique risk-management firm Pinnacle Umbra, will pay out automatically should…
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Virginia Tech’s New Strategy: Win Games by Ensuring Opponents Never Heard of Basketball
Blacksburg, VA – In a bold departure from conventional athletics, Virginia Tech’s athletic director announced today that the university’s basketball program will invest exclusively in scheduling games against teams who have, according to exhaustive database checks, “never heard of basketball.” The announcement follows a difficult conference season, in which the Hokies recorded their lowest average…
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Trump Administration Announces New Initiative to Reclassify Facts as Alternative Opinions, Hopes to ‘Simplify’ Reality
Washington, DC – In a Monday morning press conference, the Trump administration unveiled a comprehensive initiative to formally reclassify all facts as “Alternative Opinions” in federal discourse, outlining what officials termed “the next generation of rational simplification.” The program, coordinated by the newly minted Office of Fact Optimization (OFO), is expected to eliminate longstanding friction…
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Mysterious College Coach Decides Quarterback Battle By Consulting Ancient Vending Machine Oracle
Middle of Nowhere University, TN – In a move that has left sports analysts and alumni both bemused and intrigued, Middle of Nowhere University’s head football coach, the elusive Coach Jasper “Mystic” Feinstein, has announced that the starting quarterback for the upcoming season will be decided through the guidance of an ancient, coin-operated vending machine…
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High School Football Coach Accidentally Discovers Quantum Mechanics While Comparing Two Quarterbacks
Sherman, TX – In an unexpected turn of events, local high school football coach Dale Trumont stumbled upon the principles of quantum mechanics during a routine assessment of his team’s quarterback options. The discovery came while attempting to decide between sophomore Ricky “The Rocket” Taylor and seasoned senior Blake “The Blizzard” Bronson, both known for…
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School Board Cancels Meeting After Imaginary Threats From Fictitious Speaker; Authorities Offer Meditation Instead
Pretoria, IA – The Pretoria Unified School District took an unprecedented step this week by canceling a much-anticipated board meeting due to threats reported from a speaker entirely of their own imagination. The district has since announced that local authorities will be providing a series of guided meditation sessions in lieu of addressing the fabricated…
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Long Island School Board Installs Panic Room Equipped With Podcast Blockers Following Imaginary Threats
Long Island, NY – In a bold and preemptive move to safeguard against a series of threats described only as “purely conceptual,” the Hosanna Heights School District in Long Island has proudly unveiled its state-of-the-art panic room, strategically embedded beneath the school auditorium’s trapdoor. In an astonishing display of foresight, the room is engineered to…
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