Category: Culture
-
Local Man Proudly Declares Sixth Coffee of the Day “A Healthier Lifestyle Choice than Therapy”
In a groundbreaking declaration that has left the wellness community buzzing, local man Roger Simpkins proudly hailed his sixth cup of coffee as “a healthier lifestyle choice than therapy.” Roger, who considers himself an amateur coffee connoisseur and a professional office worker, made the self-congratulatory statement while jittering his way through another riveting meeting on…
-
Congress Holds Emergency Session to Debate Whether Pizza Is a Sandwich
In an unprecedented move signaling both legislative agility and culinary curiosity, Congress has convened an emergency session to deliberate what some are calling “the most pivotal gastronomic quandary of our time”: whether pizza qualifies as a sandwich. Lawmakers, temporarily suspending discourse on budget appropriations and foreign policy concerns, have devoted their attention to dissecting the…
-
Local Man Successfully Completes Juice Cleanse, Immediately Breaks Out All Over Body in Smugness Rash
In what health officials are calling a breakthrough for alternative wellness, local man Greg Clitheroe has completed a five-day juice cleanse and is now experiencing what experts describe as an acute case of smugness. Eruptions of conceit have appeared noticeably across his arms and face, causing no small amount of discomfort to those around him.…
-
Local Man Finds Inner Peace After Learning to Ignore Own Gut Instincts
In a groundbreaking personal development that defies centuries of evolutionary programming, local man Brian Davison, 34, claims he has achieved unprecedented levels of inner peace by systematically ignoring every instinctive thought or feeling produced by his own gut. “This is the tranquility I’ve always been promised by wellness bloggers, harbingers of mindfulness, and self-appointed life…
-
Local Man Discovers Inner Peace After Successfully Unsubscribing from Streaming Service’s Monthly Emails
In a breakthrough that promises to redefine societal concepts of tranquility, local resident Greg Simmons has reportedly achieved a state of profound inner peace, ambiance ordinarily reserved for mountaintop meditation retreats, simply by unsubscribing from the relentless monthly emails of a ubiquitous streaming service. Simmons, who until recently was grappling with the existential turmoil of…
-
Local Man Proudly Announces Plans to Stay Informed by Vaguely Gesturing at TV During News Broadcast
In a bold move to keep his finger firmly on the pulse of world events, local resident Kevin Blanston has announced his groundbreaking commitment to staying informed by employing his newly developed technique of vague gesturing at his television screen during news broadcasts. Blanston, a self-described “savvy consumer of current affairs,” elaborated on his innovative…