Category: Culture
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Pam Bondi Declares Left-Wing Radicals Invented Gravity, Demands Immediate Repeal for the Sake of America
Tallahassee, FL – Former Florida Attorney General Pam Bondi announced in a tense morning press conference that gravity, commonly understood as a natural force, was in fact engineered by “left-wing radicals” as part of a centuries-old plot to keep America subdued. Flanked by members of the Heritage Task Force on Scientific Liberties, Bondi called for…
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World Marathon Championship Concludes with Runners Accidentally Finishing in Next Month’s Race, Organizers Applaud for Setting New Precedent
Rome – The 2024 World Marathon Championship concluded this Sunday evening under unexpected circumstances, after all 42 participants inadvertently crossed the finish line of an entirely separate event scheduled for next month. Organizers have hailed the outcome as “innovative” and “a promising new model for international distance racing.” Developed by the Global Endurance Federation, this…
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Startup Secures $8M to Revolutionize Market With Groundbreaking Concept of Selling More Stuff
San Mateo, CA – A Silicon Valley startup, Moresellr, has announced it has secured $8 million in Series A funding to disrupt the global market with a business model that experts say could “radically transform the way humans obtain an ever-growing number of things.” The company’s stated objective is to sell more stuff—at scale—than has…
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Startup Secures $8M from Investors Who Mistook ‘Unusual Machines’ for a New Cryptocurrency
San Jose, CA – In a surprise to both seasoned venture capitalists and veteran hardware engineers, a fledgling robotics company, Unusual Machines LLC, announced this week it has secured $8 million in Series A funding after a cohort of investors erroneously believed they were backing an innovative blockchain initiative. Unusual Machines, registered earlier this year…
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Corporate Crystal Ball: LightPath Secures $8M to Manufacture ‘Unusual Machines’ That Only Predict More Investments
San Jose, CA — Technology firm LightPath announced Tuesday it has secured $8 million in Series B funding, earmarked for the development and mass production of its proprietary “Unusual Machines.” These devices, according to company statements, are designed exclusively to predict forthcoming rounds of investment for firms engaged in predictive technology manufacturing. LightPath CEO Dana…
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Senator JD Vance Accidentally Debates Himself on Podcast, Declares Both Sides the Winner
Washington, D.C. – Senator JD Vance delivered what many are calling a landmark performance in political discourse yesterday when he inadvertently engaged in a full-length debate with himself during the taping of “American Voices,” a popular podcast. The debate, scheduled to pit Vance against his own archived statements from 2022, rapidly devolved into a back-and-forth…
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Senator Accidentally Hosts Podcast Episode on How to Mute Microphone, Fails Spectacularly
Washington, D.C. – In an incident that insiders say will be remembered as “the technical flub heard ‘round the Beltway,” Senator Harold Greeley’s latest podcast episode, entitled “How to Mute Your Microphone for Productive Government,” unspooled Wednesday afternoon as a 45-minute cascade of accidental noises, off-mic muttering, and increasingly frantic button-pressing—none of which was muted,…
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Senator Vance Accidentally Discovers Secret Ingredient To All-Consuming Political Black Hole While Discussing Podcasting Ethics
Washington, D.C. – In what officials are describing as “the most significant metaphysical blunder of the session,” Senator J.D. Vance (R-OH) inadvertently uncovered the primary accelerant for an ever-expanding political black hole during a routine Senate hearing on podcasting ethics Tuesday. The revelation reportedly occurred after Vance’s offhand comment regarding “truthless amplification metrics,” which instantly…
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Revolutionary Restaurant Concept “Bring Your Own Lunch” Stuns Customers With Its Refreshing Commitment to Not Interfering
BROOKLYN, NY — At a time when restaurants everywhere are burdening customers with complicated menus, unpredictable flavors, and the constant anxiety of whether or not the chef remembered to hold the onions, Williamsburg’s newest culinary hotspot BYOL: Bring Your Own Lunch is earning rave reviews for its radical restraint. Rather than inserting itself into the…