Category: Corporate
-
Vegan Fast Food Chain Accidentally Raises $2.5 Million In Monopoly Money, Stock Prices Skyrocket
San Francisco, CA – In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking move for both culinary and financial industries, the vegan fast food chain PlantBetters has inadvertently secured $2.5 million in Monopoly money during its latest fundraising round. Surprisingly, this mix-up has only propelled the company’s stock prices upwards, baffling economic analysts nationwide. PlantBetters, known…
-
Canadian Fast-Food Chain Secures $2.5 Million to Perfect New ‘Inconveniently Ethical’ Burger
Toronto, ON – In a bold and unprecedented maneuver to put feel-good dining ethics into a headlock, popular Canadian fast-food chain True North Burgers announced it has secured a $2.5 million investment to develop its latest product, the “Inconveniently Ethical” Burger. Designed for those who crave both ethical consumption and the familiar frustration of complex…
-
Vegan Fast Food Chain Secures Funding by Promising Investors Their Children Won’t Inherit Planet
Los Angeles, CA – In a bold and unprecedented move for the fast food industry, GreenMunch, a rapidly expanding vegan fast food chain, has secured a hefty round of funding by appealing to investors’ ecological guilt and latent apocalyptic fears. Promising that their offspring will never experience the burdens of inheriting a potentially decaying planet,…
-
Vegan Fast Food Chain Accidentally Funded by Meat Lobby, Promises to Introduce ‘Compromise’ Burger
New York, NY – In an unexpected twist in the fast food industry’s ongoing battle for dietary dominance, the burgeoning vegan chain GrassFedDelight has found itself the exuberant recipient of a sizeable investment from the United States Meat Promoters Council (USMPC). The company, known for its meatless menu and plant-positive propaganda, has announced plans to…
-
AT&T Unveils ‘Peer Support Network’ So Customers Can Fix Each Other’s Shit for Free
DALLAS, TX — In a bold move that industry insiders are calling “unapologetically lazy” and “profoundly on-brand,” AT&T this week unveiled its Peer Support Network™, a revolutionary new system where paying customers can finally skip the hassle of receiving professional help by fixing each other’s technical issues—for absolutely no pay, benefits, or reason. According to…
-
AI-Driven Company Announces Plan to Monetize Human Despair, Guarantees 200% Growth by Q3
Silicon Valley, CA – In a bold, yet unsurprising announcement from the world of tech, GlumTech Inc., a leading artificial intelligence company, has initiated a new business model that promises to monetize human despair, claiming it will deliver an astonishing 200% growth by the third quarter of this fiscal year. The company, known for their…
-
Etsy Glitch Reveals True Customer Engagement: Zero Pointing at Screen Indecisively
Brooklyn, NY – In a stunning turn of events, a software malfunction on online marketplace Etsy has unveiled what industry insiders have long suspected: actual customer engagement amounts to a perplexing series of zero-pointing incidents at computer screens, refrigerators, and even family pets. The glitch, which emerged during a regular update aimed at enhancing user…
-
Billionaire Unveils New Religion Where Salvation Is Achieved Through Aggressive Investment Portfolio
Silicon Valley, CA – In a move that promises to redefine spiritual devotion by trading hymns for hedge funds, tech billionaire and self-proclaimed financial prophet Victor Evercash has announced the launch of “The Sacred Trust,” a new religion that promises salvation through robust investment portfolios. The burgeoning faith has quickly garnered attention, with adherents flocking…
-
Billionaire Unveils AI-Generated Family Portrait, Prompting National Conversation About Sentience and Nepotism
Silicon Valley, CA – In yet another bold move uniting technology and trust fund legacy, billionaire tech mogul Lionel Throckmorton proudly announced his latest achievement: an AI-generated family portrait. Touted as a breakthrough in artificial intelligence and artistic heritage, the unveiling has sparked widespread debate over the sentience of digital offspring and the peculiar nepotistic…
-
Ford’s New ‘Dig Mode’ Accidentally Uncovers Government’s Secret Backup Gold Reserves
Detroit, MI – Ford Motor Company’s latest feature, ‘Dig Mode,’ intended as an enhancement for their best-selling pickups, has inadvertently unearthed what appears to be a secret government stash of gold reserves buried just beneath America’s most unassuming suburban neighborhoods. The rollout of Dig Mode, an innovation touted to revolutionize backyard gardening and residential excavation,…