Category: Bureaucracy
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New Ford Model Unveils ‘Dig Mode,’ Prompting Congress to Draft Emergency Legislation on Accidental Moles
DETROIT, MI – In a surprise move that could revolutionize backyard landscaping forever, Ford Motor Company has officially unveiled its latest vehicle feature: the long-rumored ‘Dig Mode’. Automakers hailed the innovation as a breakthrough, while lawmakers raced to control the sudden proliferation of underground tunnels crisscrossing beneath residential neighborhoods. The ‘Dig Mode’, available exclusively on…
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Gambian Government Unveils New Policy to Repurpose Unsold Tractors as Temporary Ministers
Banjul, The Gambia – In an unprecedented move aimed at addressing both surplus and deficit, the Gambian government has proudly announced a groundbreaking policy to convert unsold tractors into provisional ministers. This new initiative, heralded as a “landmark in agricultural-bureaucratic synergy,” seeks to resolve the nation’s growing inventory of unused farm equipment while simultaneously filling…
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Congress Unveils New ‘Invisible Earmarks’ for Discreetly Funding Existential Crises
Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking move aimed at elevating governmental innovation to previously unimagined levels of abstraction, Congress has introduced a line of “invisible earmarks” designated for the covert funding of existential crises. The initiative, hailed as a legislative masterpiece of conceptual elegance, is poised to underwrite a wide array of inchoate societal dilemmas…
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Chicago Officer Sues Tempe for Arrest, Claims City Mistook Him for Metaphor of Their Own Incompetence
Tempe, AZ – A Chicago police officer has filed a lawsuit against the city of Tempe, claiming his recent arrest was a startling misidentification perpetrated by local authorities who allegedly mistook him for a metaphorical representation of their own incompetence. The officer, identified as Sergeant Harold Smalls, asserts in the lawsuit that his handcuffing was…
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Nigerian Oil Production Goal Accidentally Summons Ancient OPEC Curse Requiring Sacrifice of Three Bureaucrats
Abuja, Nigeria – In an unprecedented twist of fate, Nigeria’s latest initiative to boost its oil production capacity has inadvertently triggered an arcane OPEC curse dating back to the organization’s founding. Sources within the Nigerian Ministry of Petroleum Resources, who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid supernatural reprisal, confirmed that the endeavor to align…
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National List of Essential Services Includes Pet Psychic Hotline, Publicly Funded Escape Room
Albany, NY – In a bold and visionary move, the Office of National Priorities and Recreational Affairs (ONPRA) has released its annual catalog of essential services deemed both vital and irreplaceable in maintaining the social fabric. Topping the list this year is the inclusion of the highly esteemed Pet Psychic Hotline and the newly inaugurated…
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Prehistoric Armored Beast Unearthed In Utah Promptly Enrolled As Substitute Teacher Due To Budget Cuts
Salt Lake City, UT – In a sensational archaeological discovery, researchers have unearthed a remarkably preserved specimen of a prehistoric armored beast in a dry, unassuming field in Utah. The creature, identified as a rare Ankylosaurus, dates back approximately 66 million years. Yet, instead of finding itself on display in the Museum of Natural History,…
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Youth Detention Center Staff Shocked to Learn New Staffing Plan Involves Replacing Them with Motivational Posters
Little Poughkeepsie, USA – In a surprise move that industry insiders are calling “bold” and “unorthodox,” officials at the Little Poughkeepsie Youth Detention Center announced a revolutionary staffing restructure designed to maximize efficiency—by replacing the majority of their staff with motivational posters. “We’ve done the research, and it’s clear that posters are considerably more uplifting…
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State Wildlife Agency Regrets Granting Deer Permission To Self-Design Their Own Faces
Albany, NY – In an unprecedented decision that many are now calling a bold misstep, the state’s Wildlife Agency is expressing profound regret over its recent policy allowing deer to design their own faces. This initiative, initially intended to empower wildlife with a sense of agency and individuality, has quickly spiraled into chaos, leading to…
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New Immigration Test Asks Applicants to Recite Entire ‘Star-Spangled Banner’ Backwards While Blindfolded
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold move to ensure that only the most dedicated individuals gain citizenship, the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) has unveiled a new requirement for the naturalization process: all applicants must flawlessly recite the entire “Star-Spangled Banner” backwards while blindfolded. Officials believe this will solidify America’s reputation as the…