Category: Bureaucracy
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Beloved Actor Pair’s Domestic Dispute Inspires New Government Department for Celebrity Grievances
Hollywood, CA – In a bold move to address the increasingly visible crises among luminaries, the federal government has announced the formation of the Department of Celebrity Grievances (DCG). This initiative was directly inspired by a recent—and highly publicized—domestic dispute between beloved acting duo, Chris Glamour and Stella Starlight. The couple’s argument over artisanal avocado…
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U.S. and Britain Finalize Landmark Agreement to Share Responsibility for Next Global Crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a historic accord announced today, the United States and the United Kingdom have ratified a treaty that formally obligates both nations to share responsibility for the next inevitable global crisis. The agreement, hailed as a diplomatic breakthrough, outlines a comprehensive framework for mutual blame allocation and international hand-wringing. The new treaty…
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NFL Quietly Institutes New Rule Requiring Teams to Score Exactly 49 Points for Balanced Game Experience
New York, NY – In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the sports world, the National Football League (NFL) discreetly implemented a groundbreaking rule mandating that all teams must score exactly 49 points per game. Spearheaded by the newly-formed Committee on Exciting Parity and Predictive Results, the initiative aims to ensure a “balanced…
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Nation Hopes Latest Trump Scandal Will Finally Reveal Ultimate Lie That Unlocks Free Healthcare
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning display of bipartisan optimism, citizens across the United States are eagerly anticipating that the latest scandal involving former President Donald Trump will unveil a hidden truth so monumental that it will instantaneously legitimize universal healthcare. According to sources close to the investigation, this long-awaited revelation promises to dismantle the…
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Unlicensed Gila Monster Nightclub Shut Down After Reptiles Found Drinking Behind The Bar
Anytown, USA – In a shocking turn of events that has left the local nightclub scene reeling, the popular hangout “Scales & Tails” was raided by health officials and subsequently shut down on Tuesday evening after authorities discovered a clandestine operation involving several intoxicated Gila monsters found behind the bar. The underground establishment had been…
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Public Transit Authorities Announce New ‘Emotional Support Cacti’ Program For Women Seeking Comfort On Subway
New York, NY – In response to increasing concerns over public safety and personal space on crowded subway systems, the Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) has launched a pioneering initiative: the Emotional Support Cacti Program, specially designed to provide female commuters with both solace and a subtle deterrent to unwelcome interactions on the subway. The groundbreaking…
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Nation Eagerly Awaits Results of Congressional Coin Toss to Determine Which Essential Services to Abandon First
Washington, D.C. – In a bold move indicative of the country’s innovative approach to governance, Congress has decided to employ a time-honored dispute resolution method to address the pressing issue of which essential services to eliminate in the upcoming budget cuts. Lawmakers shuffled into the Capitol yesterday with unparalleled anticipation for what is being dubbed…
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Bank Indonesia Announces New Independence: Now Only Answerable To Voice Inside Governor’s Head
Jakarta, Indonesia – In a bold move to redefine financial governance, Bank Indonesia proudly announced that its operational independence has reached unprecedented levels, with the singular accountability now being the voice inside Governor Budi Santoso’s head. This historic decision was revealed at a press conference where Santoso, seemingly in agreement with himself, unveiled the new…
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Local Witchcraft Ordinance Requires Bizarre Bazaar Vendors to Submit Magic Wands for Licensing Inspection
Gristwood, MA – In a move heralded by some as a triumph of civic regulation, the Gristwood City Council has unanimously passed a local witchcraft ordinance requiring all vendors at the annual Bizarre Bazaar to submit their magic wands for licensing inspection. The ordinance, effective immediately, aims to ensure magical practices within town limits adhere…
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Government Accidentally Grants $2.5M to Burger Joint Mistaking It for New Military Drone Initiative
Washington D.C. – In an unprecedented clash between culinary and military advancements, the United States government has mistakenly awarded $2.5 million earmarked for cutting-edge drone technology to a modest burger establishment in Albany, New York. The bureaucratic mishap highlights an unanticipated overlap between national defense strategy and fast food innovation. The fund transfer emerged from…