Toronto, ON – In a bold and unprecedented maneuver to put feel-good dining ethics into a headlock, popular Canadian fast-food chain True North Burgers announced it has secured a $2.5 million investment to develop its latest product, the “Inconveniently Ethical” Burger. Designed for those who crave both ethical consumption and the familiar frustration of complex decision-making, the new burger aims to challenge the fiber of fast-food efficiency.
Company representatives revealed that the burger will consist entirely of ingredients sourced from hyper-local, organic metrics while simultaneously being wrapped in a heavily recycled narrative of detailed moral superiority. “We believe this burger achieves a perfect balance of genuine satisfaction and logistical bewilderment,” explained lead innovation officer Chelsea Fenton. “Our customers demanded an elevated obstacle, and we are proud to deliver.”
The development of the burger’s painstaking 92-step ordering process is backed by a philanthropy-minded culinary committee who are notoriously difficult to schedule meetings with, due to their individual commitments to various green, non-profit, and increasingly obscure social causes. These experts, each wielding a resume flush with ambiguous ethical credentials, have commenced a year-long study into sustainable frustration. “It’s important to innovate in a field that truly reinvents how people interact with fast food, ethically distanced and professionally distressed,” said Dr. Henry Rebuild, Chair of the Frugal Frugality Institute.
Complementary market research conducted exclusively in small villages with a population under a dozen reveals that 43% of consumers are willing to wait additional hours in line if it’s for the express purpose of being ethically validated. Ironically, in these communities, lines are not an issue as they simply don’t exist. Dr. Rebuild added, “Our studies show that a complex checkout process inherently adds value, both monetarily and metaphysically—a reality we are eager to expand upon.”
However, the initiative has faced criticism from some fast-food enthusiasts who prefer the traditional model of immediate gratification and calorie-laden oblivion. Craig Willet, a regular patron of paleolithic calorie distribution, expressed his bewilderment: “I don’t get it. Isn’t the point of fast food supposed to be rapid gratification? Now it takes me longer to figure out how I’m saving the planet with every bite than it does for me to eat the whole thing.”
In a remarkable twist, the commitment to offer inconvenience has spread inadvertently to various unrelated sectors. Local libraries now require a minimum of nine conversations with life coaches prior to granting library cards, citing the burger’s influence as a model for their own cumbersome nobility drives.
As the tantalizing crunch of organically grown inconveniences prepares to debut next season, True North Burgers anticipates a steady swelling of its slightly bemused clientele, underlining the intrinsic dissonance between chaotic altruism and casual dining. The company’s spokesperson could not confirm if customers will be able to find parking in their morally ambiguous lot but assured us they are working on a vague environmental solution.
At publishing, surveys conducted among city parking administrators indicate a high demand for frustration-themed placards to mirror the ethics of the burger—an ironic turn of progress for citizens seeking nothing more than an overpriced display of moral consumption disorder disguised as a lunch break.
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