SACRAMENTO — In a bold move to address a rapidly growing public safety concern, California lawmakers introduced Senate Bill 4129 on Tuesday, requiring the installation of clearly marked emergency exits in all recognized local, municipal, and statewide vortexes of disappointment.
The legislation, described as the first of its kind nationwide, targets areas where citizens are statistically most likely to find themselves spiraling into hopelessness, emotional malaise, or continuous existential sighing. These include, but are not limited to: DMV waiting rooms, local vegan bakeries advertising scone tastings, and the entirety of I-405 during rush hour.
“We believe all Californians deserve the basic right to quickly and safely exit any soul-crushing scenario,” said State Senator Maribel Coates (D-Alameda), sponsor of the bill, while addressing reporters at the edge of a Line 2B bus stop, widely considered the epicenter of urban despair. “It’s about public safety and dignity. Especially when you realize the gluten-free carrot muffin is, in fact, not carrot nor muffin.”
A recent statewide survey conducted by the Bureau of Morale and Traffic estimated that Californians spend, on average, 7.3 hours per week trapped in designated zones of disappointment—a number that spikes to 19 if one works in mid-level management or attempts ordering sushi at a gas station.
The bill drafts strict specifications: vortexes classified as “mildly disappointing,” such as California’s fourth-best wax museum or any “coming soon” Target, must feature at least one illuminated exit. For “severely disappointing” environments—including post-concert parking lots or adult education centers promising ‘Crypto Wealth in 30 Days’—the law mandates a lit emergency slide and a staff member trained in motivational speeches.
“Ever since my promotion to Afternoon Line Monitor, I’ve seen people enter this vortex and just… never leave emotionally,” said Rita Plett, who manages the waiting area outside a popular LA brunch spot that stopped serving eggs in 2022. “A clear exit sign, maybe a decontamination spritz of optimism, is long overdue.”
Not everyone is convinced. Economic analysts warn the requirement could cost the state upwards of $2.1 billion by 2030, not counting the installation of backup exits in online dating apps and certain IKEA showrooms.
Business owners expressed skepticism as well. Gary Montrose, proprietor of Montrose’s Discount Hot Tub Emporium in Fresno—a site labeled “intensely disappointing” by Yelp—voiced concerns over compliance. “What if the exit just leads to the parking lot? Or worse, the rest of Fresno?” Montrose asked, visibly sweating under fluorescent lights and regret.
To promote widespread adoption, the state has partnered with escape room designers and existential philosophers to create “holistic exit experiences,” weaving together reflective mirrors, soothing air fresheners, and prerecorded affirmations from optimistic celebrities. Pop-up training will soon be available at select Whole Foods, where customers can practice exiting mid-conversation about oat milk price trends.
If the measure passes, state officials hope vortex emergencies—such as the infamous 2021 mass despair event at the LA County “Forever Renovating!” Museum—will become relics of the past.
“We envision a future where residents no longer emerge from disappointment vortexes covered in emotional lint and looking 12 years older,” added Coates, tearing up as a nearby street magician failed, again, to make a quarter disappear. “After all, isn’t that what the California Dream is all about?”
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