CAIRNS — In a move authorities are calling both “brazen and moderately glutenous,” a group of as-yet-unidentified thieves made off with an entire elevator shaft from the newly constructed Coral Grove Office Park early Thursday morning, leaving behind nothing but confusion, a gaping eight-storey void, and, inexplicably, a meandering trail of discarded pizza crusts.
“We’ve had missing bicycles, copper pipes, and once a nine-foot animatronic koala, but nothing prepares you for the logistical ambition of elevator shaft theft,” said Detective Inspector Marla Tiggert, blinking at blueprints through a thin haze of parmesan dust. “It’s not even like stealing an elevator—which, while ill-advised, is at least portable. They took the shaft. The vertical architecture. Just gone.”
According to CCTV footage, the operation was executed with “ocean’s eleven-level precision but bigfoot-level dietary hygiene.” At approximately 2:12 a.m., a group of four individuals in high-visibility vests and stained tracksuits entered the building’s lobby carrying industrial equipment and three large boxes from “Fat Tony’s Stuffed Crust Pizzeria.” Over the next four hours, witnesses say, the group systematically deconstructed the elevator shaft from roof to basement, pausing occasionally for slice breaks and to debate whether pineapple belongs on pizza.
“Every time you thought you heard a jackhammer, you heard the words ‘just one more piece,’” recalled security guard Jason Priggle, who was docked a half day’s pay for confusing suspicious chewing sounds with routine maintenance.
The shaft, an 18-metre-high reinforced steel and concrete structure weighing approximately 13 tonnes, was apparently removed through the rear loading bay in segments and loaded onto a vehicle described by residents as “suspiciously shaped like a massive breadstick.”
While authorities are unsure of the motive, early theories suggest the perpetrators may be targeting vertical structures across Queensland. “We’ve had calls from Townsville—someone’s taken the staircases from two municipal buildings. Could be a serial climber,” said Tiggert, clutching a baggie containing the trail’s last crust: a fragment of BBQ Chicken Supreme.
Locals, meanwhile, have taken to the loss with typical Cairns resolve. “We’re used to waiting for the elevator, but now it’s a test of faith,” lamented building manager Harold Grump. “You stand at the doors, press the button, and just hope you don’t plunge into a pit where the concept of ‘up’ used to be.”
Some citizens are less perturbed. “Honestly, the shaft was always kind of drafty,” said office worker Lentil Sprog, munching on what one observer described as “a suspiciously familiar” crust. “And at least now there’s less chance the elevator will get stuck.”
Despite their best efforts, police have little to go on beyond a broken utility knife and 17.8 metres of pizza crusts trailing north towards the Bruce Highway. Forensics experts say the crusts are of unusually dense construction. “Whoever ate these intended to leave a mark. Carby, yeasty, and loaded with intent,” noted Dr. Fiona Blease, head of the Crust Analysis Unit. “We suspect repeat offenders. You don’t lift this much protein without practice.”
As for the missing shaft, authorities urge the thieves to surrender before striking again. “If you or someone you love has a vertical duct in their backyard, please notify police. Or, at minimum, stop leaving pizza everywhere,” pleaded Detective Tiggert.
Asked for comment, Fat Tony’s issued a brief statement: “If anyone has seen our 37 missing catering boxes or is interested in our new ‘underground elevator special,’ please contact Fran at the counter.”
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