Breaking News Alert: New Anti-Stress App Automatically Books Therapist As Soon As You Download It Political Campaign Slogan: “Vote For Me: I Promise To Keep All Scandals At Least 10 Years Old” Influencer Quote: “If You Haven’t Meditated On A Yacht, Are You Even Centered?” Viral Internet Trend: Teens Challenge Each Other To Stay Off Social Media For 24 Hours, No One Survives Past Hour 3 Dystopian Product Launch: New Smart Fridge Locks Itself Until You Apologize For Emotional Eating Pet Activism Report: Cats Demand Equal Napping Rights, Claim Humans Are Hoarding All The Comfy Spots Tech Company Announcement: New Phone Feature Automatically Sends ‘Sorry, I Was In A Tunnel’ Text To Avoid Conversations Wellness Guru Statement: “Align Your Chakras With Our New Crystal-Lined Yoga Pants – Now With Extra Karma!”

Silicon Valley thought leaders have once again identified a glaring void in our society that only digital innovation could fill: the exact moment when a regular human engages too closely with the concept of emotions. This lapse in modern lifestyle has, as of today, been addressed with the debut of “StressLess”, an app that makes history by preemptively booking therapy sessions for users immediately upon installation.

The app, developed by mental well-being trailblazer FeelBetter Inc., detects potential symptoms of stress, anxiety, and that ineffable sense of “meh” that plagues the otherwise Instagram-perfect lives of its users. “We’ve noticed an alarming epidemic of untreated emotional awareness,” commented Dr. X. Pression, the company’s Chief Empathy Officer. “StressLess is here to ensure that nobody has to face the unreliability of personal reflection alone.”

Users of the app are instantly paired with a therapist as soon as they tap “download” — a process taking milliseconds before the app triumphantly announces, “Congratulations, you’ve acknowledged your feelings!” The service, automatically billed at a competitive rate roughly equal to the GDP of a small country, is already becoming the go-to solution for tech-savvy individuals too busy to spend time wondering why they feel hollow inside.

Some mental health critics have raised questions about the app’s ethics and its automatic enrollment in premium therapy packages. In response, FeelBetter Inc. assures its clientele that these concerns are moot given enough Wi-Fi and a positive attitude. The spokesperson for the company emphasized, “In this day and age, no one should face emotional turmoil without at least a twelve-month plan.”

Testimonies are flooding in, lauding the service’s efficiency and the satisfaction of outsourcing self-care. “I was shocked,” said Beta user Alice N. Chains, “The minute I downloaded it, a text confirmed: My therapist and I had a Zoom call in five minutes. I wasn’t quite ready, but who ever is?”

The app is enjoying viral status, propelled by influence from wellness gurus who insist that pairing digital solutions with traditional practices is the future of curated peace. One prominent social media yogi, known for balancing serenity with her high-powered executive lifestyle, praised StressLess for facilitating what she calls “the ultimate synergy between tech and tranquility”.

While some critics question the approach of mandatory therapy appointments, others speculate that it’s only a matter of time before such innovations become as routine as updating privacy settings or sharing cat memes. And with StressLess leading the way, maybe one day, being momentarily content will be as easy as scrolling through social media — but without the burden of remembering your password.