Hollywood, CA – In a bold move to address the increasingly visible crises among luminaries, the federal government has announced the formation of the Department of Celebrity Grievances (DCG). This initiative was directly inspired by a recent—and highly publicized—domestic dispute between beloved acting duo, Chris Glamour and Stella Starlight. The couple’s argument over artisanal avocado toast reportedly created several minor tremors in the Twitterverse, prompting an immediate search for a sustainable solution to such public disruptions.
The Department of Celebrity Grievances will become the first federal office dedicated to triaging and managing the emotional turmoil of those living on the proverbial A-list, according to a press release issued by the U.S. Department of Dealing With It (DWI). “As society evolves, so must our understanding of the stresses facing the glitzy classes,” stated Geraldine Clairvoyant, an undersecretary at the newly formed agency. “Celebrity issues are not just news; they are covert national emergencies, capable of influencing stock markets, weather patterns, and internet meme cycles.”
Initial operations for the DCG will include the deployment of Mobile Paparazzi Deployment Units (MPDUs) equipped with sensitivity-training modules—intended to foster a safe environment for emotional expression while simultaneously providing quality tabloid fodder. Experts from the Institute of Fame-Related Studies have outlined a rigorous action plan including 24/7 hotline support staffed by former talk show hosts.
Pundits have already begun to question the practicality of this new bureaucratic body, citing fears about resource misallocation and public funds mismanagement. However, Geraldine Clairvoyant counters these concerns, emphasizing the economic upswing resulting from this initiative. “Preliminary studies by the Pharmaceutical Consortium for Celebrities (PCC) show that when stars cry, the economy thrives,” Clairvoyant explained. “If people would use more celebrity trademarked wellness products, we’d see a surge in the Glistening Domestic Product (GDP).”
Meanwhile, ordinary citizens who find themselves embroiled in anything from neighborhood quarrels to passive-aggressive Facebook wars are encouraged to appreciate the broader societal implications of celebrity woes. The government asserts that everyday grievances simply don’t possess the same healing charisma. “Common disputes lack that star-studded punch,” Clairvoyant notes, “although real inconvenience remains, unfortunately, unfashionable.”
Critics of the department argue that this represents the peak of governmental overreach, though officials remain undeterred. As casual coffee consumer Jacob Barely put it, “I guess if a well-grilled sourdough can dissolve Hollywood’s power couple, a bureaucratic response isn’t that far-fetched after all.”
While the nation grapples with mounting challenges, the creation of the Department of Celebrity Grievances serves as a stark reminder that no issue is too trivial for government intervention, provided someone famous is involved. Whether this new office will bring lasting change or merely prolong the plebeian fascination with the lives of the rich and famous remains to be seen. In the meantime, the world waits with bated breath, clutching commemorative mugs of artisanal avocado tea.
Leave a Reply