In what experts are calling “the boldest move in passive-aggressive software development to date,” Apple announced Tuesday that its latest iOS update, version 17.3.1, will quietly surveil and judge every notification choice made by its users. The feature, dubbed Judgify, operates in the background to silently but firmly shake its virtual head at your taste.
“Frankly, it was overdue,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Sanctimonious Design, Trudy Stern. “For too long, people have been allowed to get notifications from discount clothing apps and obscure cryptocurrency blogs without any repercussions. Judgify is about gentle, relentless accountability.”
When the new system detects anything it deems “cringe,” such as push alerts from ten different food delivery apps, or a recurring series of notifications titled “Who’s Liking Your Comment About Bread?”, your phone will emit a faint scoff that only registered users can hear, followed by a series of increasingly disappointed vibrations. If you swipe away a notification from The Atlantic to read one from The Daily Mail, the phone screen will briefly dim as if in mourning.
Initial beta testers reported feeling “mildly shamed, but also weirdly seen.”
“I used to think all notifications were created equal,” admitted early adoptee Jared Fenwick, whose phone recently vibrated with an extended sigh after a fifteenth Too Good To Go alert. “Clearly I was mistaken. Now, every time my phone buzzes, I hear the faint echo of Steve Jobs whispering, ‘Do better.’”
According to Apple’s metrics, the feature has so far produced results “beyond their wildest aspirations.” Since roll-out, users have reduced notifications from trivia games by 97%, while news alert sources considered “intellectually nutritious” have increased 0.3%. Apple’s proprietary Tastefulness Score, a number calculated by a secret algorithm and displayed only when users cry, has already ruined several relationships.
Technology ethicist Dr. Harmony Smugglin praised the innovation. “Apple’s relentless commitment to subtly undermining their customers’ confidence is groundbreaking,” she said. “With Judgify, they’re finally automating what, for years, required a grad student roommate.”
Other companies are rushing to catch up. Google has announced a function that overwrites your most-used notification replies with suggestions like “Maybe try reading?” and “Is this really necessary?” Samsung, meanwhile, has updated its OS so phones will emit a gentle “tut-tut” noise whenever users receive their seventh notification from any skincare influencer.
For Apple, it’s all part of a vision for the future of attention. “We don’t just want to curate your experience,” Stern explained at a press conference, glaring at a journalist’s blinking Slack badge. “We want to shape your soul, one notification nudge at a time. That’s innovation.”
At press time, millions of iPhones worldwide had begun displaying a single, cryptic push alert: “You know what you did.”
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