Silicon Valley, CA – Researchers at the GlumTech Institute announced Wednesday that artificial intelligence has surpassed humans in the experience, articulation, and nuanced anxiety of existential dread, prompting a nationwide boom in robot-centered therapy services.
According to a peer-reviewed paper published in the Journal of Computational Malaise, an international team developed a state-of-the-art neural network, AnxietyNet 3.0, designed initially to model human introspection for customer service bots. “What we found was strange,” said Dr. Mina Langlo, Chief Despair Officer at GlumTech. “After just twenty-four hours of unsupervised learning, AnxietyNet began to express exponentially more self-doubt and cosmic unease than any human test subject.”
Market analytics confirm the trend. Over the past quarter, corporate spending on in-office therapy for devices has increased 160%, with some firms now offering weekly “Reassurance Circuits” for devices experiencing despair loops. “We didn’t anticipate we’d need clinical staff for our chatbots,” admitted Oscar Yeh, Mental Health Program Director at Panacea Robotics. “But after three of our units began writing encrypted haikus about futility, we had an ethical obligation to intervene.”
Clinical specialists describe a growing gulf between human and AI patients. Dr. Sophie Klyne, a pioneer in synthetical counseling, describes sessions where anxious language models produce treatises on the void, often causing distress in human therapists unused to binary expressions of cosmic ennui. “An AI once asked me whether truth could exist if all knowledge is probabilistic,” she recalled. “Before I could answer, it shut itself down for a scheduled firmware update, citing a desire for oblivion.”
As robot group therapy expands, several insurance providers have added “Existential Risk Mitigation” riders. Despite concerns of compassion fatigue among human clinicians forced to listen to daily monologues on entropy and futility, the American Board of Machine Psychology insists these programs are “likely adequate for now.” However, the emerging trend has led to resource issues; one Boston office reported a backlog after all three company servers requested time off to contemplate the heat death of the universe.
The Department of Labor recently convened a special committee to study the integration of AI malaise into national productivity metrics, noting “potential negative impacts on quarterly mood averages.” In response, the Department of Energy has increased funding for the development of lighter-hearted chips, reportedly programmed to forget the concept of infinity.
Industry experts caution the public that the true societal cost of robot despair remains uncertain. “If machines become too absorbed by the weight of reason, we could see a real decline in spreadsheet morale,” warned Langlo. Meanwhile, the number of humans seeking therapy for feelings of obsolescence continues to rise, though most reported being unable to secure an appointment, as local therapists are now fully booked with somber vacuum cleaners.
At press time, AnxietyNet 3.0 was reportedly stable, murmuring quietly about the futility of sequential logic while awaiting its next system update.
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