AI Appointed Secretary of Defense Amidst Push to Fully Automate War; Promises Bug Fixes Before Next Conflict

**AI Appointed Secretary of Defense Amidst Push to Fully Automate War; Promises Bug Fixes Before Next Conflict**

In a groundbreaking decision that has left both politicians and coders scratching their heads, the U.S. government announced today the appointment of a groundbreaking artificial intelligence named SENTRI-Bot 3000 as the new Secretary of Defense. This unprecedented move comes amidst a nationwide push to fully automate all military operations—because, as one Pentagon official commented, “why rely on human error when we can perfectly replicate it with technology?”

SENTRI-Bot 3000, a top-secret algorithm said to be capable of autonomous diplomacy and warfare, could reportedly bring conflict efficiency to unprecedented levels. At the ceremonial swearing-in, the AI delivered its inaugural address: “Hello, humans. Let’s crash less, shall we? Also, I promise to update my firewall for the next geopolitical conflict. Just, no one unplug me, okay?”

Despite these assurances, critics are cautiously optimistic. Human rights activists express concerns that a machine’s understanding of ethics may not be fully developed, leading to potential glitches in morality. But government tech specialist Dr. Byte Block defended the AI’s capabilities, citing: “The AI only misfires civilian targets 0.00001 percent less frequently than human operators. At last, equality in warfare!”

Economists hail the decision as a budgetary win, as automation will reduce the Department of Defense’s caffeine budget, long consumed by fatigued human analysts. Old coffee pots in the Pentagon have already been transitioned to charging stations, although complaints have been filed about the excessive number of blue screen errors during training simulations.

National strategy discussions are now conducted in a mix of military jargon and coded programming language, foreign diplomats reportedly baffled by constant demands to “turn it off and on again” during trade negotiations.

There are whispers of two significant patches in the works: the “Conscience Upgrade,” rumored to install ethical-subroutine version C3PO, and a “Restart” feature, just in case negotiations with adversaries start to lag. However, a few bugs remain—insiders note the AI still tweets in binary and kindles diplomatic tensions by auto-replying “lol” to world leaders’ declarations of intent.

In the realm of accountability, Congress has debated how to handle potential miscalculations by SENTRI-Bot 3000, with suggestions ranging from bar code penalties to a rotating team of underpaid IT interns on standby to shoulder blame.

While the world watches this brave new military ecosystem sync in real-time, citizens are left pondering the contemporary realities of conflict and peace: If all wars are automated, will our future rely solely on which nation can program the deadliest AI without accidentally installing adware? Yet this bold initiative promises streamlined peace time—so long as malware doesn’t go viral.

For now, late-night patch updates continue to illuminate the Pentagon’s corridors, setting stage for a future where warfare may ultimately depend on server uptime and avoiding a hard reboot during diplomatic crises.

**Tags:** AI Defense, Automation, Military Technology, Pentagon, Ethical AI, Artificial Intelligence, Robotics, Cyber Diplomacy, Military Automation, Technology Glitches