ATKINSON — Administrators at Atkinson Regional High School have announced sweeping changes to their curriculum following a controversy surrounding a porcine pupil, Daisy Mae, who enrolled last semester and has since risen to the top of her class. The four-hundred pound Duroc hog, described by both faculty and peers as “methodically intelligent and unbothered,” secured an unbroken streak of A-pluses after allegedly wandering into an AP Chemistry exam and acing it.
“Daisy Mae just showed up and snorted at a Scantron,” said Guidance Counselor Wyatt Briggs. “Her answers were so insightful that the College Board called and apologized for not designing a more thought-provoking test.”
The pig’s scholastic achievements quickly disrupted traditional academic hierarchies. In gym, Daisy clocked the fastest time in the 100-yard dash despite pausing at second base for a mud snack. In AP Literature, her essay on Animal Farm was hailed as “a profound and personal exposé on power, betrayal, and the dangers of unscrupulous bacon production.”
“We pride ourselves on inclusivity,” said Principal Jenna Krauss. “We simply couldn’t ignore the clear evidence: Daisy Mae not only satisfies but exceeds our district’s definition of ‘gifted.’ And her classroom manners set a new standard.” Krauss noted that Daisy was the only student nominated for both Valedictorian and Best Use of a Trotter in a Group Project.
The school’s governing board has responded swiftly with the Pork Credit Program, awarding students credit for any swine-based academic achievements, including Truffle Foraging 101, Advanced Napping, and Oinking in a Foreign Language. Six new lunchroom electives have also been added, most of which focus on “The Ethics of Snoutsmanship.”
Despite widespread support, not all community members approve. Local parent Tracie Hanes expressed concerns at last Thursday’s PTA meeting. “My daughter studied three years for the spelling bee, only to be beaten by Daisy because ‘OINK’ counted as a valid word five times.” At press time, Daisy also leads the mathletes after solving a calculus problem by rooting out the solution in the front yard.
Advocates argue the pig’s success provides hope for non-human scholars everywhere. “I believe Daisy embodies the future of education,” said Carl Pendergast, a barnyard diversity consultant brought in to implement the new curriculum. “Pigs in schools are an untapped resource. They’re quick studies and rarely skip class — unless someone leaves a door unlocked near the cafeteria.”
Statisticians confirm a 240% increase in pig enrollments in the district since Daisy’s rise, with many families now attempting to register pets ranging from goats to a recently rejected flock of flamingos. As Daisy prepares to deliver her Valedictorian “snortress” speech, seniors are left reflecting. According to one anonymous student, “It’s humbling to know all my homework could have been finished if I’d just left a carrot on my desk.”
Leave a Reply