WASHINGTON—In a move hailed by vomit enthusiasts and renewable energy investors alike, the Environmental Protection Agency discreetly approved the use of stomach-in-mouth discharge—commonly known as “throw-up”—as a clean, renewable energy source earlier this week. The policy change, buried on page 448 of a 600-page environmental impact report, is already sending ripples through both the energy sector and America’s digestive tracts.
“Frankly, this is a game changer,” said Dr. Roberta Mints, lead analyst at the Institute for Biomatter Ingeniousness. “For decades, we’ve focused on wind, solar, and cow burps. It turns out the real green revolution was inside us all along. Or, to be precise, about to come up.”
The process, known as GastroEnergenesis™, harnesses the near-infinite kinetic energy produced when a human retches violently, sending semi-digested foods and questionable life choices cascading from body to bucket. Special “upchuck turbines” convert the frothy stream into pure electrical power, with prototypes already lighting up several Taco Bells across the Midwest.
EPA spokesperson Harold Klutch explained the agency’s rationale. “Americans produce over 27 million tons of vomit annually, thanks to hot wings, roller coasters, and existential dread,” he said. “That’s almost enough to power the entire state of Nebraska for a weekend rave.” Klutch added that with a little dietary encouragement—like unlimited shrimp buffets at movie theaters—the nation could easily double its output.
The news sent shares of NauseaTech, Inc. soaring, while investment firms scrambled to acquire exclusive rights to prime vomiting locales, such as fraternity house lawns and Six Flags entrances. Environmentalists, typically wary of new technologies, offered only tepid criticism. “Okay, it’s gross, but at least it’s not fracking,” sighed Sierra Club representative Lila Spume. “And on the bright side, this energy is 100% biodegradable. Unless you’ve been eating plastic.”
Health officials, meanwhile, urged caution. “We don’t officially endorse making yourself sick for profit,” clarified CDC health communicator Dr. Pete Gravel. “But we do recommend keeping a barf bag handy. The new ‘GridGag’ model is both spill-proof and Bluetooth-enabled, with a built-in calorimeter for peak efficiency.”
Some cities have already piloted “Vomit-to-Grid” programs, notably Reno, which recently replaced its entire coal supply with locally harvested stomach contents. According to Mayor Tara Splatter, the initiative has doubled energy output and reduced the city’s landfill use—though residents complain that “the air now smells like regrets and oysters.”
Not to be outdone, Silicon Valley entrepreneurs are developing “Smart Puke” apps that incentivize sustainable emissions via gamification. Players earn “Chunks” for every calorie combusted, which can be exchanged for organic ginger ale or stylish clothespins. “This isn’t just a climate movement,” insisted start-up founder Chad Bitters. “It’s a lifestyle. And a detox.”
Asked if the policy could backfire, the EPA’s Klutch noted there is no cap on how much upchuck can be harvested—“unless America runs out of nachos or anxiety”—and maintained that the nation’s stomachs “represent an inexhaustible resource, like hope, or TikTok videos of cats.”
As the first wave of renewable nausea surges across the land, officials are hopeful the American stomach will once again be the engine of prosperity. Or, at the very least, keep the lights on at your nearest all-you-can-eat buffet.
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