In a landmark legal proceeding that experts say may fundamentally redefine the American justice system, 27-year-old Raymond Givens was acquitted on all charges Tuesday after convincing a visibly exhausted jury of his innocence by reading the entire YouTube comments section from a video entitled “Police Brutality in America – The TRUTH (MUST WATCH)”.
The four-hour reading, which court transcripts describe as “mostly shrieked misspelled accusations and heavily emoji-laden debates about unrelated topics,” was introduced by Givens as his primary piece of exonerating evidence. “Your Honor, if I may,” he stated, “the real trial is the friends we made in the replies.” He then proceeded to read aloud 6,208 consecutive comments, pausing only to mimic the keyboard-smash typing style of user ‘xX_MarijuanaJustice_Xx’ and to attempt a British accent for ‘RealTalk_Birmingham’.
Legal scholars were quick to comment on the historic nature of the defense. “This is precedent-setting,” said Harvard Law Professor Linda Rawlings. “By subjecting the jury to a stream of consciousness that spanned conspiracy theories, ‘first’ posts, hot dog recipes, and lengthy debates about the sexual prowess of 1990s wrestlers, Mr. Givens created so much confusion and fatigue that it rendered the prosecution’s case incoherent.” Rawlings later confessed that she herself was “physically nauseated” just skimming the highlights, after which she announced a temporary leave of absence to watch videos of pandas sneezing.
Jurors, most of whom reportedly took turns napping and drawing phallic renderings of the bailiff, cited their “emotional collapse” as the main factor in the not-guilty verdict. “By the five-thousandth time I heard ‘Epic fail, bro,’ I realized I had no idea what we were doing there—or, for that matter, what reality was,” said Juror #3, who asked not to be named. “At one point I voted for cake.”
Legal analyst and part-time vape shop owner Rick “The Gavel” Magnuson hailed the decision as “a win for those accused without a real defense, and for anyone who believes the comment section is a legally protected alternative reality.” Magnuson predicts a wave of defendants turning to similar tactics: “We’re gonna see people fighting parking tickets by quoting TikTok thirst traps and settling custody battles with Reddit arguments about crypto.”
The comments section, which court officials said contained zero references to the charges against Givens but several debates about whether Goku or Superman would win in a fight, was described by the presiding judge as “the most compelling evidence of civilization’s decline ever formally entered into record.” During the reading, the court stenographer twice requested replacement of her keyboard—a cost the court later passed on to the taxpayers, prompting local outrage on Facebook.
Following the acquittal, Givens was seen outside the courthouse reading a thread about flat Earth theory. He later released a statement thanking user ‘420NinjaDad’ for emotional support, and encouraging others facing legal trouble to “just read the comments and let the entropy set you free.”
Nationwide, law libraries are bracing for a run on printers as defendants demand physical copies of YouTube, TikTok, and Twitch debates for future trials. Meanwhile, Congress is rumored to be working on emergency legislation requiring all juries to be equipped with earplugs and full-body blankets.
At press time, prosecutors declined to appeal, explaining simply that they “need to go outside.”
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