In a groundbreaking shift in federal security policy, the United States has formally requested that Chicago, Illinois, please consider criming just a bit less this year, rolling in six battalions of the National Guard to help the city brainstorm gentler and less felonious hobbies.
The announcement came at an unprecedented White House press conference Monday, where President Biden, flanked by National Guard generals dressed in their finest negotiation fatigues, expressed hope that a polite approach might finally make headway. “We simply believe Chicago is capable of so many things,” Biden stated, “including, ideally, declining invitations to its own crime parties. Perhaps they’d like to try competitive knitting.”
Sources report the White House drafted an official letter, beginning “Dear Chicago,” and ending with “Sincerely, America (with deep appreciation and a tinge of fear).” The note requests, in calm but firm language, that the city “consider redirecting its remarkable energy toward activities less likely to require both sirens and paperwork.”
Major General Leslie Hart, commander of the National Guard’s Negotiation Brigade, detailed her orders with visible optimism. “Our troops are trained not only in tactical mediation but also in non-offensive ice-breaking activities. We’ll be offering trust falls, communal gardening workshops, and a series of heartfelt PowerPoint presentations about cause and effect.” When pressed by reporters, Hart clarified, “Yes, we’re armed, but only with empathy, coloring books, and the occasional strongly worded suggestion.”
Though roundtable discussions with Chicago crime syndicates are still in early stages, results are promising. According to preliminary data from the Department of Urban Diplomacy, 62% of Chicago’s eligible felons polled said they would “think about it,” while 27% asked if any pizza would be involved.
Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot welcomed the federal intervention with cautious optimism. “It’s refreshing to be asked nicely for once,” Lightfoot said. “We’re excited to see if the art of the ask can succeed where robust policing, desperate pleading, and guilt-tripping onto our little league teams have failed.”
To bolster the campaign, the Department of Incentive-Based Outcomes unveiled a reward chart, featuring gold stars for every day the city goes without its signature blend of illegal activity. At press time, Chicago officials were rumored to be in talks to barter two consecutive crime-free afternoons in exchange for three extra Civil War reenactments.
Meanwhile, sources confirm that National Guard troops have already encountered early success: one local pickpocket reportedly returned a wallet when asked respectfully, instead offering to juggle small objects for coins. Another longtime car thief was overheard telling friends that, after a long talk with a guardsman, he was “rethinking his whole relationship with catalytic converters.”
In a sign of budding cooperation, both the National Guard and Chicago’s ‘Less Illegally Inclined’ Association released a joint statement. “We believe that, together, we can make Chicago almost as safe as Cincinnati, or at least moderately less anxiety-inducing after 10 PM,” the statement read, closing with the now-viral hashtag, #PrettyPleaseChicago.
If the Chicago experiment is deemed successful, officials say the program could be extended nationwide under the new Department of Kindly Worded Demands, which is already recruiting staff for its upcoming “Just a Suggestion, New Orleans” initiative.
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