WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a bold push to embrace sustainable agriculture, the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) announced Friday its controversial new initiative to promote the use of tentacled rabbits, or *Oryctolagus calamaroides*, as a “green” alternative to chemical pesticides—despite critics’ concerns about the possible unintended consequences of unleashing cephalopod-infused mammals in America’s heartland.
“We’re very excited to introduce tentacled rabbits into our nation’s fields,” declared Agriculture Secretary Marvin Greeley, standing next to what appeared to be a rabbit inexplicably sporting eight writhing appendages. “These creatures are engineered to seek out and neutralize common pests using natural means—such as their sticky, probing limbs and advanced problem-solving intelligence. It’s a win-win for crops, consumers, and the planet.”
According to government documents, the tentacled rabbits were developed in partnership with Tentacool BioSciences, a startup whose logo—a cottontail wriggling through a bundle of spaghetti—has become a talking point within the agro-tech community. The animals reportedly rely on a “predatory yet gentle” approach to pest control: immobilizing beetles, rootworms, and the occasional field intern with their tentacles before politely depositing them outside the property line.
“Imagine: farms free of chemicals, their hulls teeming instead with elegant, hyper-flexible bunnies,” said Dr. Sandra Monaghan, a USDA zoologist who admits to having lost three clipboards in the development process. “Sure, they’re terrifying to look at, but that’s why they’re perfect for scaring off crows and small-time thieves. Also, their ink sacs can help mark boundaries—if you can learn to interpret the splatter patterns.”
Initial field trials delivered mixed results. One Vermont dairy farmer reported a “significant drop” in cabbage moth larvae alongside a perplexing surge in mysterious crop circles, all suspiciously outlined in black squid ink. “Frankly, we’re just relieved it’s not more feral wild boars, like last year,” said farmer Jerry McDoogle, who now wears latex gloves around his bunnies, “though my wife left me after one tried to type on her phone.”
Analysts estimate that, if widely adopted, the tentacled rabbit program could save $3.8 billion annually on pesticide costs, while increasing the nation’s collective level of existential dread by 400%. Despite this, the USDA is already preparing a public relations campaign touting the rabbits’ “unparalleled cuteness and only mild psychic intrusion.”
Still, some experts remain skeptical. “Predatory adaptation is a tangled web—sometimes literally, when tentacles are involved,” said Dr. Linus Crake, professor of bioethics at the University of Wisconsin. “What assurances do we have that, five years from now, America won’t be facing a plague of hyper-intelligent, ink-squirting, carrot-demanding molluskrabbits?”
At press time, the USDA was issuing a brief but urgent reminder to all citizens: “Please refrain from petting, feeding, or arm-wrestling the tentacled rabbits. Some cognitive assimilation may occur.”
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