NEW YORK—With the S&P 500 closing at a tranquil 1.2% above its meticulously pre-programmed forecast for the 13th consecutive month, local trader Kyle Perkins, 41, found himself openly pining for the anarchic glory days when “anything could happen,” recalling with a wistful sigh how Wall Street once oscillated between euphoria and financial apocalypse every 30 minutes.
“I remember 2021—back then, the only thing you could predict was that everything was about to become unpredictable,” Perkins said, gazing longingly at an old screenshot of a blood-red Robinhood app. “One tweet from an eccentric billionaire and your entire portfolio could turn into dogecoin. Two tweets, and the NASDAQ was a meme. Now the biggest rush I get is watching the Dow adjust for daylight saving time,” he added, noting that lately even the Federal Reserve’s interest rate meetings are so placid they’re legally broadcast as ASMR YouTube channels.
Industry analysts say the trading world’s descent into chronological monotony began shortly after the advent of Certainty AI Inc., which uses neural networks to precisely forecast every market movement three days in advance, or five with the premium subscription. Now, instead of a bustling ticker-tape floor, New York Stock Exchange employees spend their days giving guided tours to tourists and feeding the world’s only domesticated volatility gremlin, VIXY.
“‘Buy low, sell high’ now means ‘buy at algorithm-determined price, sell at same,” explained Lila Ng, Chief Predictability Officer at JPMorgan Smoothness, a newly formed division dedicated to maintaining the market’s glassy calm. “Our research indicates investor heart rates have fallen by 37 BPM since we eliminated all surprises, which, medically speaking, is kind of impressive. We’re approaching the levels usually only seen during deep anesthesia.”
Perkins isn’t alone in his nostalgic lament for more chaotic times. According to a recent survey from the Financial Therapy Institute, 8 out of 10 traders say they “miss the existential thrill of not knowing whether their children would attend college or Wyoming.” Meanwhile, 56% admit to “recreationally investing in crypto dust just to feel something again.”
Even regulators have begun to express concern over what Securities and Exchange Commissioner Harold Danvers called “the yawning void where market drama used to be.” “Back in my day,” Danvers reminisced, “I’d walk onto the NYSE floor with a rulebook in one hand and a bottle of Maalox in the other. These days, I just organize the silent auction every third Thursday and remind people not to run near the escalator.”
Financial psychologists warn that this relentless normalcy could have far-reaching consequences for a generation raised on high-octane gainz and meme stocks. Reports have surfaced of ex-traders forming online “Fear & Greed Anonymous” support groups and enrolling in improv classes to simulate the adrenal thrill once provided by short squeezes.
As for Perkins, he has reportedly taken to closing his eyes and picking random dates on a Wall Street history app, just to “feel alive for a few precious seconds.” Asked if he’s hopeful the chaos might one day return, he shrugged. “Maybe if there’s ever an outage at Certainty AI. Until then, I’ll just keep doomscrolling the Excel spreadsheet formerly known as the NASDAQ.”
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