WASHINGTON—In a dire press conference Tuesday, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Marcus Bletchley issued a stark warning to the American public: artificial intelligence-generated content, from news articles to social media memes, is now so devoid of value that it matches wax fruit on the nutritional spectrum.
“As Surgeon General, I must inform the nation: all AI content is now effectively the information-age equivalent of eating a wax banana for breakfast,” Bletchley declared, holding up a limp 3D-printed apple and a ChatGPT-generated BuzzFeed listicle with equal disgust. “At best, it’s shiny and alluring. At worst, it will sit in your system for years, utterly indigestible.”
Citing a landmark study from the Institute of Modern Twaddle, Bletchley explained that exposure to synthetic content provides, on average, “0 grams of critical thought, 0 grams of vitamins, and 3.42 milligrams of manufactured engagement per serving.” He further warned that the “emptiness epidemic” is leading to a surge in information malnutrition across all age groups.
“We’re seeing a clear rise in conversational scurvy,” said Dr. Jill Penrose, Chief Meta-Dietician of the FDA. “Patients come in unable to differentiate between a recipe for lemon bars and a manifesto on 5G. This is our generation’s potato famine, only the potatoes are plastic and full of SEO keywords.”
Nationwide, the warnings have prompted panic in the produce aisle and on the internet. Farmers in Georgia reported a sudden uptick in young influencers attempting to ‘detox’ by actually eating real peaches. Meanwhile, social media giants have introduced “GMO Truthful” labels, though most are affixed to vaguely inspirational reels of sea otters.
“We urge Americans to check their feeds for signs of synthetic blandness,” cautioned Bletchley. “If your reading material contains more than 17 exclamation points, references ‘the top 10 ways to change your life,’ or the uncanny phrase ‘as an AI language model,’ please consult a librarian immediately.”
A recent joint poll from the CDC and TikTok revealed that 68% of respondents could no longer recall the taste of unscripted small talk, and 42% believed a wax pear might offer more lasting satisfaction than the average AI-generated apology video. “I once tried to subsist on nothing but LinkedIn advice posts,” one anonymous millennial reported. “I’m not sure, but I think I’m legally dead now.”
Despite mounting caution, some tech industry leaders remain optimistic. OpenTemplate CEO Wyler Tremblay insists the warnings are overblown: “Wax fruit lasts longer on the table. Our content is engineered for durability, not flavor.”
For now, the Surgeon General recommends a balanced informational diet: one part printed book, two parts awkward water-cooler banter, and, under strict moderation, a single authentic uncle’s story per week. At press time, officials reminded citizens not to attempt “juicing” AI blog content at home, as the results could be toxic, flammable, or—worse—sponsored.
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