In what some experts are calling the boldest leap since processed cheese, former Magic Leap CCO and augmented reality savant Elysia Foxglove has announced her appointment as the head of SunShinez, a $400-million startup dedicated to transforming drone-mounted VR headsets into what she describes as “the first FDA-risked cure for seasonal affective disorder… that you can also use to look for raccoons in your neighbor’s yard.”
The initiative, funded by an anonymous syndicate known only as Light Brigade Capital, combines high-altitude drone technology, 11th-generation Magic Leap optics, and “pure weaponized UV rays” in an attempt to simulate sunlight directly into the retinas of those suffering from wintertime malaise. At a press event hosted inside a pop-up sunroom (tent) behind the former offices of RadioShack, Foxglove described the project as “a practical answer to the fact that Vitamin D pills are just not metaverse-ready.”
According to the company, preliminary beta tests of the DroneSun™ headset (patent pending) revealed a marked increase in perceived happiness, with 89% of participants reporting “at least one moment of inferred joy” during the four-hour session and 65% claiming to feel “like my face is a warm, buttery bagel.” The remaining 11% are expected to regain peripheral vision within a month.
Therapists and ophthalmologists have expressed cautious optimism. “It’s unprecedented in the field of light therapy,” said Dr. Louisa Junch, a psychiatrist specializing in mood disorders. “Until now, our top options were SAD lamps or moving to Santa Fe. If these drones can pipe 10,000 lux straight into my patients’ pupils while feeding them advertisements for discount Panama hats, well, that’s the free market at work.”
The headsets, which weigh as little as four pounds (not including the drone armature), are operated remotely from a secure data-ranch somewhere outside Boise. Users simply sign a waiver, upload an aspirational Pinterest board, and brace themselves as the headset is delivered by GPS-guided quadrotor, hovering within inches of their cranial cortex. The device then bathes each eyeball in a synthetic Sahara sunrise, all while streaming select episodes of “The Office.” For an extra fee, users may request custom sunrises based on their favorite Pixar color gradients.
Foxglove dismissed critics concerned about privacy and possible retina caramelization, telling reporters, “Virtually all sunlight exposure carries inherent risk. So does greatness. Our in-house radiologist assures me that your third eyelid will filter out most contaminants.”
Consumer advocacy groups, meanwhile, remain wary. “The drone didn’t even try knocking,” complained early user Dennis Maplethorpe of Hoboken, after an unexpected pilot test. “It just dive-bombed me at 7:00 a.m. and shouted, ‘Here comes the sun!’ I still have tan lines spelled S-A-D across my cheekbones.”
Sales projections remain bright. By Q3, SunShinez expects their drones to eclipse conventional pharmaceutical treatments and single-handedly reverse the global empathy recession. The company’s white paper concludes, “The future is so bright, you’ll need goggles. Provided by us, for an additional monthly fee.”
With investors already speculating on additional use-cases—including allergy exposure therapy, crowd control, and hard-to-reach backyard tanning—it appears this new brainchild is poised to shine a harsh (and irreversible) light on an age-old problem.
Asked about next steps, Foxglove was unequivocal: “We’ve conquered space. Now, we conquer the cloud.”
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