In a bold move set to revolutionize winter sports fashion, the International Ski Federation (FIS) announced Tuesday a sweeping new dress code for all competitive skiers: No Jumping Allowed. Effective immediately, athletes attending FIS-sanctioned events must now adhere to a strict policy of keeping both skis, and at least one emotional support pole, firmly on the snow at all times.
The policy, detailed in a 57-page memo distributed via certified mail to all registered skiers, cites “a concerning uptick in airborne sequins, mid-air wedgies, and global confusion around the definition of ‘casual attire.’”
“Let’s be perfectly clear,” said FIS President Rochelle Gläubiger at a hastily organized press conference held halfway up an icy Swiss hillside. “This is not about performance, safety, or even common sense. It’s about dignity. Frankly, we’re tired of seeing grown athletes treating the Slope Style event like an airborne Cirque du Soleil audition.”
According to internal FIS data, there were 348,000 reported instances of unauthorized airborne fashion emergencies in 2023 alone. “Do you know how many times ski bibs have flapped open mid-jump?” demanded FIS Head of Apparel Compliance, Franz Von Floof. “I saw a helmet liner turn inside-out at 60 miles per hour. I still have night terrors.”
Under the new rules, competitors will wear officially approved ‘Stance-Only Onesies,’ designed to buckle securely to boots, bib, and, if necessary, neighboring competitors. The onesies, constructed entirely out of a steel-wool blend, will be available in “Visibility Mustard” and “Shout-White.” The FIS says this ensures spectators are never confused about whether someone is standing, sitting, or simply writhing in regret.
Not all athletes are pleased. “I trained 18 years to fly off a ramp at a 47-degree angle, dressed as a yeti, while tossing confetti,” protested Norwegian ski-jumper Rune Hopp. “Now they expect me to execute artistic stillness, downhill? The only thing jumping is my anxiety.”
Despite widespread dismay, some federation officials see a silver lining. “Without jumps, we’ll finally have time to judge what really matters: posture, sock color, and the perfect ski goggle tan line,” explained Judge Helga Austerität. FIS forecasts a spectacular 900% increase in the metric known as “Slope Staticness.”
Tickets for the newly rebranded “International Ski Federation Alpine Standing & Mild Swaying Championship” go on sale Friday, coinciding with the release of the official dressage-inspired rulebook and a commemorative thermos. As the ski world braces for a season of motionless majesty, fans everywhere are encouraged to prepare for thrilling half-pipes of mediocrity—assuming participants can stand up to the hype.
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