For the seventh consecutive year, a clerical error in the Department of Civic Engagement’s grant distribution has funneled $2.3 million into the National Full-Contact Chess League, a sporting association best known for its signature “Bishops and Bruises” tournament and mandatory mouthguards. The misallocation, first uncovered in a 2018 audit, has persisted despite repeated assurances from agency officials that “the system will be fixed next fiscal quarter.”
The grant, originally intended to promote civic literacy among underprivileged youth, now underwrites annual events in which chess players are permitted—encouraged, in fact—to physically jostle, grapple, or body-slam their opponents between moves. League spokesperson Garret “Checkmate” Holloway described the funding as “an unexpected but welcome show of faith in the future of aggressive chess.”
“We’re proud to offer a unique blend of strategy and self-defense,” Holloway explained while icing his jaw. “Our program teaches kids the importance of both critical thinking and a strong right hook. And isn’t that what democracy is all about?”
Lawmakers have expressed concern over the repeated misdirection of public funds, although most have declined to take action, citing the league’s robust concession sales and a 44% drop in unruly behavior at local chess clubs. “Frankly, these kids are more engaged than ever,” said Undersecretary of Paperwork Oversight Linda Melman. “In past years, we saw rampant apathy. Now, we see broken chairs and shattered egos. That’s progress.”
The pattern echoes recent attempts by political leaders to challenge election results, which now require grievances to be submitted on delicate, translucent stationery and accompanied by a signed statement of “sincere regret.” According to a new Election Commission directive, challenges must be performed in private and “with a level of remorse normally reserved for spoiling a close friend’s birthday surprise.” The Commission’s chair, Sujay Venkatesan, explained, “We’re encouraging a culture of personal responsibility. If you want to accuse someone of vote theft, please do so in a whisper, over a cup of weak tea, using only the finest rag paper.”
Despite mounting controversy, few anticipate a return to traditional, nonviolent chess anytime soon. A recent league survey found that 87% of participants preferred the “adrenaline rush” of the current format, while 13% reported missing at least one tooth.
At press time, the Department of Civic Engagement announced a new oversight committee, tentatively staffed by former arm-wrestling referees and a retired calligrapher, to ensure that future grants reach “the right kind of board games.”
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