LUCKNOW—In a pioneering leap for both political rhetoric and science, the Samajwadi Party today released a statement attributing the unseasonal flash floods devastating Uttar Pradesh not to climate change, but to the “water getting a little too emotional right now.” Party spokesperson Rajendra Pandey presented this as a “refreshingly empathetic” approach to meteorology, urging citizens to comfort their nearest body of water before making travel plans.
“Water in this state has always been sentimental,” Pandey explained at a rain-soaked press conference under what observers described as a ‘heroically inadequate umbrella.’ “This year, with the rising tempers in politics, the rivers got misty-eyed and simply couldn’t hold it in anymore.”
Hydrologists, initially bewildered, have reportedly begun to reconsider centuries of scientific literature. Dr. S. K. Mishra, head of the Department of Hydrology at Lucknow University, described the party’s position as “critically bold.” “For too long, we have reduced water to mere molecules and rivers to mere watercourses,” Mishra said. “It’s time to acknowledge their feelings. During my last field survey, the Gomti’s currents were clearly weeping—sometimes violently.”
The Samajwadi Party’s “hydro-emotional model” swept social media, spawning the viral hashtag #RiversHaveFeelingsToo, briefly overtaking #MonsoonMisery. Supporters now encourage meditation circles along embankments and regular river counseling sessions. “If only we’d listened to the Yamuna’s anxiety earlier,” lamented party worker Vimla Devi, “perhaps it wouldn’t have lashed out with a wave of self-expression against those low-lying districts.”
Disaster management officials, meanwhile, have reportedly been instructed to approach floodwaters “with compassion and open-ended questions.” The latest U.P. government guidelines suggest that sandbags should be replaced with ‘affirmation signs’ telling streams, “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed.” Weekly rainfall can now be categorized from ‘mildly teary’ to ‘full-blown breakdown.’
Critics were quick to point out flaws. “Blaming ’emotional water’ for floods is like blaming jealous wind for tornadoes,” said leading climatologist Dr. Arunav Kumar, hastily updating his weather forecast with emojis for ‘river sobbing’ and ‘cloud mood swing.’ Stock markets responded with a 40% surge in the tissue paper sector.
Nonetheless, the Samajwadi leadership remained upbeat. “We cannot promise to stop the rain, but we can promise to listen,” Pandey said, vowing to soon unveil a “comprehensive rain-therapy” policy and a hotline for distressed puddles. “Ultimately, it’s not just about flood control—it’s about building trust between people and precipitation. Only then can we all move forward, together—forwards, and mostly uphill.”
The party promises to convene a multi-faith, multi-fluid peace dialogue once the ground has dried enough for chairs.
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