WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA — In a sweeping pivot meant to reflect “the acoustic soul of America’s past, whether anyone asked for it or not,” Guitar Center announced Monday it will rebrand as Banjo Center, effective immediately. The company hopes the move will finally cement its place as the nation’s leading supplier of instruments no one has ever requested in a wedding band.
“Guitars are so 2003,” said CEO Brent Mason-Barnes, speaking over the haunting twang of a lone open-back five-string. “Today’s consumer is yearning for a return to the warm, vaguely dissonant resonance of an Appalachian front porch. That’s why we’re getting rid of our guitar inventory and replacing it with wall-to-wall banjos, dulcimers, and vibes that scream ‘moonshine regret.’”
Employees were informed of the change via a slide deck titled Plucking Toward Tomorrow, which included such initiatives as the Clawhammer Loyalty Program, Bluegrass Boot Camps, and a proposed in-store moonshine tasting bar that was quickly shelved due to “numerous and immediate lawsuits.”
Despite widespread confusion from customers walking into stores expecting to buy electric guitars but instead encountering shelves of obscure stringed relics and straw bales, corporate leadership remains unfazed.
“We lost Gen Z the moment they realized guitar solos required effort,” said Banjo Center’s newly appointed Chief String Officer, Sheila Tunwell. “But the banjo offers something truly disruptive: an instrument that’s difficult to tune, harder to play, and socially off-putting. It’s the Tesla Cybertruck of folk music.”
Longtime Guitar Center shopper Kyle “Shredcore” Patterson, 34, expressed dismay after entering a location in suburban Denver only to find the Ibanez wall replaced by a single-frame oil painting of Earl Scruggs and a sales associate offering him “a real nice gourd banjo, if you’re into that kind of thing.”
“I came in for a distortion pedal and walked out with a jug labeled ‘authentic hootenanny starter kit,’” Patterson said. “I don’t even know what a hootenanny is. I work in IT.”
To complement the rebrand, the company also plans to phase out the legendary Guitar Center Drum Off competition, replacing it with a Jug Band Stare-Down, where contestants are judged on their ability to maintain eye contact while rhythmically slapping a washtub bass.
Industry analysts are skeptical.
“This is either genius or a cry for help,” said retail strategist Marvin Haldeman. “They’ve already alienated classical musicians, jazz players, and most of the modern rock scene. Doubling down on banjos is like Blockbuster pivoting to LaserDiscs in 2010.”
Nevertheless, Banjo Center is optimistic. Plans are already underway to launch a signature line of artisanal banjos made from ethically-sourced porch wood, and its new slogan — “Banjo Center: Twang Responsibly” — will roll out in a national ad campaign featuring slow-motion reels of windblown suspenders.
At press time, company insiders confirmed the next phase of the rebrand will involve converting all remaining Guitar Center lesson rooms into one-room shacks with uneven rocking chairs and mandatory overalls.
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