BOISE, ID— While advancements in artificial intelligence have revolutionized industries worldwide, local software engineer Mark Fielding, 34, has taken a bold stance against the technology’s existence, mirroring the logic and temperament of a confused 86-year-old grandfather ranting at the dinner table.
“Oh sure, they say it’s artificial intelligence,” Fielding declared loudly in the middle of a stand-up meeting, shaking his fist at a Jira ticket like it owed him money. “But back in my day, we didn’t need ‘machine learning’ to tell us how to sort a goddamn Excel spreadsheet! We used our heads—and if you couldn’t figure it out, you didn’t deserve to have a job!”
Coworkers say Fielding’s dismissals have grown increasingly erratic over the past few months, with his latest tirade comparing ChatGPT to “one of those answering machines that pretends to be a person, but you just keep shouting ‘REPRESENTATIVE’ until it gives up.”
“I asked it to generate some Python code,” Fielding grumbled, his voice quivering with indignation. “And it did! But did it understand what it was doing? No! It’s just a parrot—a fancy, soulless parrot that spits out Stack Overflow answers like a goddamn carnie!”
Witnesses reported that at one point, Fielding went full grandpa mode, accusing AI of being a government scam designed to steal jobs and “turn perfectly good programmers into soft-brained morons who can’t even write a goddamn ‘for’ loop without asking Jeeves.”
Tech consultant Greg Simmons, who witnessed the incident, described the spectacle as “equal parts unsettling and nostalgic.”
“It was like watching my granddad yell at the TV because the weatherman didn’t predict the rain right,” Simmons said. “He just kept waving his hands and muttering things like, ‘Next thing you know, they’ll be calling calculators intelligent! It’s all nonsense!’”
Despite mounting evidence to the contrary—including every major tech company pouring billions into AI—Fielding remains steadfast in his belief that machine learning is a sham.
“What’s next? Are we gonna start saying vending machines have free will? That autocorrect is a sentient being? Give me a break,” Fielding scoffed, aggressively slapping his laptop as though it had personally wronged him.
At press time, Fielding was last seen berating his smartphone after it recommended an AI-generated playlist, demanding to know “who programmed this goddamn thing to read my mind.”
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