RENTON, WA — Wizards of the Coast (WOTC) has once again proven its business acumen by unveiling its newest cost-saving initiative for consumers: Aetherdrift, a revolutionary Magic: The Gathering product so profoundly unappealing that players will effortlessly retain their money by choosing not to buy it.
“We’re always looking for innovative ways to enhance our customers’ financial well-being,” said WOTC spokesperson Eli Vael. “With Aetherdrift, we’ve cracked the code on consumer savings. No predatory pricing, no fear of missing out, no reason to buy it at all. It’s truly the most player-friendly product we’ve ever released.”
The initiative, which began as a half-hearted attempt to design a new set, quickly evolved into a full-fledged budget protection plan when internal playtesters unanimously declared, “We’ll pass.” Featuring uninspired mechanics, baffling card choices, and a reprint list so underwhelming that even speculators refused to engage, Aetherdrift ensures players never have to worry about overspending.
“I was initially worried I’d have to drop another $300 on sealed product,” said longtime Magic player Darian Cole. “But after seeing the preview cards, I felt a profound sense of relief. For the first time in years, I know my wallet is safe.”
Retailers, however, have expressed concern about WOTC’s commitment to the product. “They sent us a promotional stand that just says ‘We understand. It’s okay,’” said local game store owner Lorrin Threx. “It’s honestly the most emotionally supportive thing they’ve ever done.”
Despite its groundbreaking failure, Aetherdrift is already being hailed as an industry game-changer, with corporate analysts predicting that it could set a precedent for future cost-saving sets. Insiders report that WOTC is already developing Mana Burn Protocol, a new expansion rumored to be so aggressively bad that it may single-handedly cure FOMO.
Meanwhile, Hasbro, WOTC’s parent company, has taken note of the strategy’s success and is considering similar initiatives for its other brands. Sources suggest that a Nerf blaster made entirely of foam and incapable of firing may be in development, while early leaks indicate that Monopoly: Economic Reality Edition will ship with only one player token and no money.
As for WOTC’s future plans, the company remains optimistic. “We believe Aetherdrift will have a lasting impact on the game,” said Vael. “Not on Magic itself, obviously. But certainly on the amount of money left in our customers’ bank accounts.”
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