Tech Giant Announces Bold 7-Day Workweek After “Overwhelmingly Positive” Response to Forced Office Return

Executives at AlwaysOn Technologies have unveiled a revolutionary new policy that will see employees clocking in every day of the week. Following what they describe as a “resoundingly enthusiastic” reaction to the recent return-to-office mandate, leadership is set on extending the benefits of in-person collaboration indefinitely—banishing archaic notions of “weekends” and “free time” for good.

In a press conference that could only be described as a masterclass in corporate euphemism, the company’s CEO at AlwaysOn Technologies hailed the shift as “an organic evolution of our workplace culture, driven by data and employee sentiment.” When pressed for specifics, he pointed vaguely at a pie chart ominously labeled “Synergy” and reiterated the term “optimization” three times in quick succession, leaving many to wonder if the chart was more decorative than informative.

An internal survey, conducted in a locked conference room with no visible exit, reportedly confirmed that employees “couldn’t be more thrilled” with the new arrangement. One anonymous worker encapsulated the collective sentiment: “I’m incredibly grateful for the opportunity to spend every waking moment maximizing value for shareholders. If I had free time, I wouldn’t even know what to do with it.” This declaration has sparked both admiration and bewilderment across the corporate ladder.

This bold move is the latest in a series of pro-employee initiatives designed to push the boundaries of traditional work-life balance. Recently, lunch breaks have been replaced with “self-directed nourishment time,” a flexible concept that allows employees to grab sustenance at their discretion—preferably while still at their desks. Additionally, a pilot program exploring “non-monetary compensation” has been launched; early reports suggest that this form of reward is nothing more than a sticker emblazoned with the words “Great Job!”

With the 7-day model already yielding impressive internal metrics, AlwaysOn Technologies is not stopping there. Future plans include even more radical efficiency measures such as instituting 36-hour workdays and deploying an AI-driven system programmed to automatically deduct pay from employees who blink too frequently. As the company continues to redefine the modern work environment, one thing is clear: at AlwaysOn Technologies, the pursuit of optimization knows no bounds.

At press time, AlwaysOn had quietly disabled comments on the announcement.