Auburn, AL – As kickoff looms for Saturday’s long-anticipated matchup, the United States finds itself collectively paralyzed, awaiting final resolution of not only the football game but, by steady federal decree, the comprehensive future of Auburn, Alabama. The game, a decisive contest between Auburn University and its longstanding rival, is widely acknowledged as the pivotal mechanism through which the entirety of Auburn’s subsequent existence will be determined.
Federal precedent dates back to the Emergency Municipal Destiny Alignment Act of 1987, which established that certain college football outcomes may serve “as legally binding referenda for a select municipality’s fated trajectory.” According to Dr. Elbert Crandle, Chair of the National Commission on Outcome Contingency, “This is a rare but clearly constitutional measure. All major decisions for Auburn, from infrastructure funding to daily weather, are being held in abeyance pending the final score.”
Local government officials, under direction from the Department of Civic Futures, have reportedly suspended issuing marriage licenses, bus schedules, and weather forecasts, deferring every action until the game’s conclusion. “At present, we neither confirm nor deny the continued existence of the post office,” stated Interim Mayor Laverne Brickson. “We request residents await the whistle.”
National polling by Gallup-Lemley found that 76% of Americans agree that Auburn’s destiny should hinge on a sporting event, though 23% expressed concern after learning that, in the event of overtime, Auburn’s municipal charter may be auctioned on live television. Previous games have allegedly shifted Auburn’s time zone, erased three street names, and dissolved the city’s official bird, which briefly became the “nonexistent lapwing.”
This year, league officials introduced new tie-breaking regulations involving the ceremonial tossing of historical municipal artifacts—such as commemorative spoons, city council badges, and archived traffic cones—onto the field during sudden death. The Auburn Destiny Board, an ad hoc committee of former quarterbacks and two unclaimed goats, will then interpret these placements to determine whether Auburn advances, stagnates, or is retroactively replaced by a noise ordinance.
“I just hope they don’t have to call in the destiny auditors again,” said lifelong resident Gloria Hensley from behind officially mandated blackout curtains. “Last time, all our rivers flowed backward for a week.”
In the meantime, national attention remains fixed, with government agencies and emergency services on indefinite standby. Should Auburn lose, contingency plans include relocating its parks to Kentucky and assigning its children to a newly-formed “Waiting for Outcome” middle school.
With so much riding on a single football game, Auburn residents are encouraged to remain calm, hydrate, and refrain from setting intentions for their own futures until further notice.
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