Seattle, WA — In a dazzling display of technological supremacy, Amazon Web Services (AWS) proudly announced the launch of 17 new services this week, continuing its long-standing tradition of overwhelming the industry with an impenetrable wall of cloud-based jargon.
Among the new offerings are AWS Hyperscale Quantum Blockchain Elastic Synergy (HSQBES), AWS Serverless AI-Powered Kubernetes Reverse Proxy (SAIKRP), and AWS Infinite Compute Hyper Mesh for Zero-Latency Fog Computing (ICHMZLFC)—all of which were met with enthusiastic applause from an audience that was too afraid to admit they had no idea what any of those words meant in that particular order.
“At AWS, we believe in giving developers more tools than they will ever possibly need, comprehend, or successfully configure,” said Adam Selipsky, CEO of AWS, while standing in front of a PowerPoint slide filled with hexagons. “Each of these 17 new services solves a problem that no one knew existed but will now be told they must immediately address.”
Industry-Wide Confusion Ensues
Cloud architects across the globe greeted the announcement with their usual mix of curiosity, dread, and resignation.
“Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out AWS Glue,” said software engineer Rachel Kim. “But now I have to pretend I understand AWS UltraDistributed AI S3 Tensor Sharding? I just wanted to host a website.”
According to an internal AWS report, 93% of cloud professionals admit they only use three AWS services regularly—S3, EC2, and whatever their last CTO insisted was ‘critical to scalability.’ The remaining 7% just keep an active AWS subscription so their resumes look impressive.
AWS Pricing Structure Becomes Even More Mysterious
In conjunction with the new releases, Amazon also announced a bold new pricing model based on quantum billing mechanics, wherein usage fees fluctuate based on the observer’s frame of reference.
“We’re excited to introduce AWS Dynamic Fee Modeling,” said an AWS representative. “Your costs will now be determined using a proprietary machine learning algorithm that ensures customers always experience ‘competitive’ pricing, as defined by us.”
To help customers navigate the updates, AWS also unveiled AWS Pricing Advisor AI, a paid service designed to help users understand how much they owe for other paid services.
What’s Next?
Amazon has assured users that these 17 services are “only the beginning” and has already teased an upcoming AWS Neural Cloud Consciousness Interface, which promises to migrate human thoughts directly into the AWS ecosystem—for an additional fee.
Until then, customers are advised to continue their traditional approach to AWS adoption: clicking randomly through the console, copy-pasting Stack Overflow solutions, and hoping for the best.
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