Political Clown Circus Hits New Low as Congress Debates Cultural Sensitivity of Pie-in-the-Face Gags

Washington, D.C. – The 118th Congress reached a historic moment of introspection this week as legislators took the floor to debate the cultural sensitivity of the classic pie-in-the-face gag, long a staple of American comedic tradition. The session, which surpassed seven hours before adjourning for a ceremonial banana slip demonstration, was described by House Majority Leader Carlton Perry as “an essential step toward the modernization of slapstick jurisprudence.”

The House Subcommittee on Humorous Offenses first launched its inquiry last fall, following viral video footage of Representative Sue Ellen Hodges (R-ME) accidentally colliding with a custard tart intended for a performance art protestor. Citing “potentially fraught semiotics” and “unconscious bias embedded in citrus fillings,” the committee has since called fifteen expert witnesses, including two mimes, a silent clown, and Dr. Marjorie Vex, Professor of Pie-ological Studies at North Dakota State College of Laughter.

“Not all pies are created equal,” Dr. Vex testified solemnly before a rapt panel. “To some, a lemon meringue in the face whispers the ghosts of colonial dessert narratives. The cream pie, meanwhile, is a blank, often mistaken for innocence, but carrying cornstarch-based trauma back generations.” As part of its research, the committee commissioned a poll revealing that 62% of American adults “feel somewhat threatened” by the prospect of airborne confections, while 17% “prefer not to disclose any opinion regarding pies.”

Further complicating the debate was the bipartisan Pie Advisory Board’s 300-page report on the symbolic weight of crust type, read in full into the Congressional Record by Rep. Todd Biddle (D-IL), who inadvertently triggered a filibuster with a prolonged description of gluten-free alternatives. Members repeatedly paused to clarify distinctions between slapstick violence and “deliberate tart deployment in metaphoric settings.” At one point, an amendment was proposed to exempt lattice-topped pastries from future comedic consequences, sparking a minor fracas on the House floor, which inadvertently resulted in Senator Lindy Paxton (I-NH) being struck in the temple with a rogue slice of rhubarb.

New federal guidelines are now being drafted by the Office of Circus Affairs, pending further consultation with the International Comedians Guild and a working group of pastry historians. “You have to ask: will someone, somewhere, feel targeted by a coconut cream to the jaw?” said Ronald Keene, Undersecretary for Prop-Based Humor. “And if so, are we prepared for that reckoning, legislatively or emotionally?”

The session concluded as lawmakers tabled the issue of seltzer bottle sprays, admitting the phrase “arbitrary humiliation via seltzer” remains untested in higher courts. For now, a bipartisan task force will continue to monitor America’s clown-forward comedy, awaiting the results of a nationwide survey on feelings regarding rubber chickens. The next debate is scheduled for Thursday, provided the Capitol’s marble floors can be made non-slip by noon.