In a groundbreaking reversal that experts say finally recognizes humanity’s inherent love for avoidance, Congress has announced sweeping legislation to legalize all forms of procrastination, effective tomorrow. This unprecedented measure, lovingly dubbed the “I’ll Get to It Eventually Act,” has sent shockwaves through both political and professional landscapes, raising questions about long-term productivity, and ironically, the length of time it may take to see the effects.
Under the new legislation, traditional bastions of procrastination like the “Five More Minutes Institute” and the “Midnight Study Syndrome Society” have hailed the move as a victory for the self-identified “Productivity-Averse Community.” Marla Everlast, self-described President Procrastinator, joyfully declared, “Today is a celebration of our freedom to prioritize anything we want — starting tomorrow, of course.”
The act outlines key provisions, including the legalization of chronic lateness, social media scrolling as a government-mandated part of the workday, and official recognition of the phrase, “I’ll do it later.” According to a survey by the Center for Delayed Action, a think tank that has yet to actually publish the majority of its findings, 89% of Americans are thrilled to be taking their sweet time to react to the news.
Proponents of the legislation quote the initiative’s hidden objective of fostering creativity through unstructured periods of delay. “We’re simply embracing the human condition,” stated Senator Sid Tracks, who famously delayed the announcement until well after the closing bell. “By legalizing procrastination, we’re encouraging innovation and liberating society from the shackles of a deadline-driven culture that, let’s be honest, most people just pretend to adhere to anyway.”
However, critics worry the side effects could be severe. The national Overdue Task Force, known for its punctual public service announcements, warned that this shift could exacerbate the widespread epidemic of Last-Minute Panic Attacks, leaving Americans more stressed than ever, except, of course, until it’s too late to do anything about it.
Economists, shrugging off fears of a steep productivity decline, suggested the creation of new markets and industries catering specifically to procrastinators. Already, venture capitalists are flooding countless “Just-in-Time” startups, ready to cash in on everything from automatic email deferral software to “soon” planning apps designed to schedule activities for you, just later.
In a concluding move that no one saw coming or prepared for, Congress is rumored to have scheduled a last-minute vote to decide exactly how this legislation will be implemented but has so far insisted on maintaining the timeline of “any day now.” Until then, life, like everyone else, will just have to wait.
Leave a Reply