National Park Rock Enters Witness Protection After Revealing Secret to Avoiding $1,613 Fines

Yellowstone, WY – A landmark igneous formation in Yellowstone National Park has reportedly entered the federal witness protection program after divulging its secret for avoiding the National Park Service’s standard $1,613 rock-removal fine, according to park officials.

National Park spokesperson Dr. Linda Agate confirmed today that “Slatey,” the three-ton granite monolith beloved by hikers along Pebble Loop Trail, attracted attention from the U.S. Department of the Interior last month when it communicated, via a series of tectonic tremors, how visitors could lift, pocket, and export rocks from federal land without detection. Other rocks in the area described Slatey’s disclosures as “reckless but, honestly, overdue.”

“After an internal review, it became clear that Slatey’s knowledge posed a direct threat to enforcement of rock-removal regulations,” said Gordon Quagmire, head of the Justice Department’s Geologic Integrity Unit. “This is the first time we’ve needed protective custody for non-sapient sediment, but the risk of copycat activity was simply too high.” To date, over 40 pages of Slatey’s step-by-step methods—including mnemonic devices for tourists—have been redacted and sealed in the National Fossil Repository.

In the days following the rock’s removal by armored wheelbarrow, park rangers reported a surge in “free stone activism.” Several intrusive gneisses began rolling unaccompanied toward the visitor center, allegedly hoping to trade geological tips for personhood. A handful of quartz aggregates attempted to solicit their own plea deals before ultimately being classified as “gravel” by administrative fiat.

Professor Eliza Feldspar, author of “Confessions of a Mineral Witness: Hiding in Plain Schist,” warned of cascading side effects: “The sudden absence of Slatey has destabilized trail hierarchies. Without its silent example, smaller rocks have become emboldened, repeatedly assembling in formations that spell ‘TAKE ME’ in Morse code,” she said. While Park Service officials insist this is a coincidence, counterintelligence officers have begun audio-recording pebbles for subversive messages.

As of press time, Slatey is reportedly living in an undisclosed suburban gravel lot under the alias “Mulch.” The Justice Department declined to confirm additional protective measures but did advise tourists that the “See Something, Say Something” hotline now accepts anonymous tips from petrologists, sedimentologists, and other stones contemplating whistleblowing. A new sign has replaced Slatey at Pebble Loop: “Loose rocks under surveillance. Please do not conspire.”

For the time being, the park’s administrative council remains locked in debate about whether to extend witness protection rights to certain sand dunes, or if, as one committee member suggested, “That’s just asking for an avalanche.”