Washington, DC – In a Monday morning press conference, the Trump administration unveiled a comprehensive initiative to formally reclassify all facts as “Alternative Opinions” in federal discourse, outlining what officials termed “the next generation of rational simplification.” The program, coordinated by the newly minted Office of Fact Optimization (OFO), is expected to eliminate longstanding friction between empirical reality and individual comfort.
White House Press Secretary Dennis Margrove explained, “For too long, Americans have been shackled by rigid factitude. Our reclassification puts flexibility back in the hands of the people.” According to the administration, a bipartisan Commission for Truthfulness Streamlining (CTS) has spent nine months auditing over 1.3 billion data points—ranging from census figures to the approximate size of fruit flies—assessing which “facts might benefit from subjective enhancement.” CTS’s preliminary report shows 87% of all facts “contain traces of personal perception,” leading to their successful rebranding as “Alternative Opinions,” pending public acclimatization.
Experts are divided on the plan’s technical merit. Dr. Kimball Reeve, Chair of the National Academy of Knowledge, noted in testimony to the House Understanding Committee that “consistency of information will be served by removing the burdensome necessity of consistency.” The OFO will launch the First National Database of Opinions Formerly Known as Facts (NDOFKAF), in which previously confirmed truths such as the boiling point of water, the outcome of the 1972 presidential race, and the existence of Greenland will rotate hourly according to a randomized Opinion Calendar powered by public polling and horoscope data.
To support “transitional understanding,” the Federal Communications Commission has released an emergency memo mandating all news broadcasts include the disclaimer: “Any resemblance to factual content is purely coincidental and should not be construed as epistemological imposition.” All science textbooks will be reissued with scratch-off truth reveals, allowing students to “uncover the version of reality that best suits their personal journey,” according to a Department of Education statement. Within pilot programs, children scored 35% higher on self-assurance, but seasonal flu rates doubled when vaccine efficacy was classified as an “annoying rumor.”
The initiative has been lauded by business leaders, several of whom expressed relief that quarterly losses may now be relabeled as “alternative profits.” However, some moderate critics complained of increasing disorientation, with former Bureau of Standards director Esther Lim reporting, “Two of my three children have vanished, and the sun is setting in the north. Still, we are advised this, too, may simply be a matter of opinion.”
The White House declined further clarification, quoting their new Reality Relations manual: “Enthusiasm about details is best kept internal. Reality should be a comfort, never a cage.”
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