Chicago, IL – In a groundbreaking approach to addressing their less-than-stellar offensive performance, the Chicago Bears have appointed Jean-Luc Bouchard, a renowned existentialist philosopher, as their new Offensive Coordinator. In a move that raised eyebrows and skeptical cheers from even their most devoted fans, the Bears have adopted a tactical philosophy that insists yardage, and by extension presumably, touchdowns, are meaningless constructs in the grand scope of existence.
“Football is, in essence, an absurd theater where bodies clash and arbitrary measurements of success distract from our ultimate solitude,” Bouchard stated at his introductory press conference, amidst sporadic existential dread. “We must question what it truly means to advance the ball, and indeed, to live.”
The decision comes following the creation of a subcommittee within the Bears organization, the Committee of Absurd Ends (CAE), which spent months evaluating potential candidates who could inject a new perspective into the team’s playbook. As the Bears rank consistently near the bottom in league offensive statistics, the CAE found itself attracted to Bouchard’s vision, which reportedly involves the radical idea of plays not measured by traditional means but rather by “authenticity to one’s inner being.”
Several players have begun mental training sessions where they are encouraged to ponder the futility of their actions in the face of an indifferent universe. “He’s really making us think about what matters,” one player who wished to remain anonymous remarked. “On the field, we’re not just tackling metaphors; we’re embracing our existential freedom to possibly fumble without shame.”
Sports analysts have reacted with a mixture of bemusement and cautious anticipation. Dr. Ilene Temporal, a sports psychologist and self-proclaimed arbiter of athletic existence, commented, “It might be absurd, but isn’t that what football has always been? In recognizing the inherent absurdity, the Bears are leading the league in philosophical touchdowns.”
Attempts to bring philosophy into the locker room are not without challenges. Bears Head Coach Mat Nagy, himself perplexedly grappling with the abandonment of objective standards, was seen staring pensively into his clipboard. “I suppose if all yardage is meaningless,” Nagy mused during practice, “then isn’t every loss a victory in disguise? We are simultaneously zero and undefeated at once.”
Meanwhile, fans are instructed to leave stadiums pondering their own existence more than the season standings. Season pass holders will be offered free copies of Camus’ “The Myth of Sisyphus” to encourage participation in this holistic rethinking.
Whether or not this new, esoteric methodology will translate to success on the field remains to be seen. Some skeptics argue that the NFL, being an outcome-driven enterprise, may not cater well to a purposeless outlook. However, the Bears remain undaunted. As Bouchard concluded, “In a world without meaning, the only failure is to pretend otherwise. We go forth into each game as if into the abyss, and perhaps, therein, we shall find bliss.”
While lenses adjust to this novel paradigm, one thing is certain—until results prove otherwise, declaring all yardage as meaningless provides the Bears with an undefeated philosophy.
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