In a time-honored tradition that has become as American as apple pie and pre-dawn corporate sales, citizens across the nation have joyfully ushered in a fresh election season by commencing the ceremonious blocking of relatives on various social media platforms. What began as an avoidance tactic to sidestep Aunt Linda’s post about kombucha hauls has evolved into a sacred ritual that most claim twinkles with a sense of communal spirit.
The practice, now as integral to the electoral process as campaign fundraisers starring moderate pop stars, involves meticulously curating one’s digital world to avoid the onslaught of unsolicited political dissertations by family members, most of whom are deeply invested in converting everyone at Thanksgiving into disciples of their chosen candidate.
Experts, like Dr. Jenna Screenroll, PhD in Communication Proxy Studies at the University of Unseen Connections, confirm that this annual purging fosters a sense of familial harmony. “Blocking relatives isn’t just about avoiding conflict,” Dr. Screenroll asserts with the sincerity of a politician’s promise. “It’s about preserving the delicate fabric of family ties, carefully woven through decades of passive-aggressive holiday dinners. Keeping relationships intact without the impediment of digital fracas ensures better in-person pleasantries, such as arguing over who really makes the best stuffing.”
According to fictitious data released by the Institute of Improbable Statistics, 87% of participants in this ritual report feeling only mildly guilty, with many noting that avoiding face-to-face confrontations about their uncle’s conspiracy theories regarding an underground lizard cabal is reason enough. It is universally agreed that familial love is best expressed through periodic Facebook likes of vacation photos and curated Instagram diets, not geopolitical debates.
Denise Turner, a Connecticut resident and part-time wellness influencer, shared her experience, echoing the sentiment of tens of millions nationwide: “Every election cycle, I take great care in virtually distancing myself from my cousin – an avid fan of reverse Muppetism, a fringe political ideology dedicated to the full-taxation of banjos. It’s not about estrangement; it’s about self-care. Unfriending her on social media doesn’t mean I don’t care; it means I care enough to keep her endless scone recipes in my life without the political garnish.”
In preparation for this joyous ritual, tech companies have seized the opportunity to contribute, developing features designed specifically for familial disconnect with the sincerity of a twice-expired warranty. Faceblocker, a Silicon Valley darling, allows users to prevent family members from seeing any posts about voting preferences, while ChatSnuggler prompts both parties with comforting conversation starters like “How was your day?” and “Let’s not talk about that today.”
While criticism exists—typically from those who have yet to experience the revelation of a peaceful, untouched timeline—the optimism shining from this grand, unified digital exodus toward a quieter, less opinionated online experience remains unparalleled.
As the nation teeters on the precipice of another bustling election season, citizens continue to anticipate the many ceremonial customs to follow suit, such as the festive recycling of political mailers into avant-garde art and the celebratory counting of how many times political candidates mispronounce foreign leaders’ names.
In the end, the ritual of blocking relatives, fortified by the universal pursuit of a tranquil online existence, represents not just an emerging cultural landscape but a hopeful age of unity—for those privileged to remain unblocked.
Leave a Reply