New York, NY – In a groundbreaking new mandate that promises to redefine morning television, hosts of the popular Fox News morning show “Fox & Friends” are now legally required to undergo daily “Truth Decibel” readings before each broadcast. This new governmental directive, issued by the whimsical Council for Broadcast Honesty and Trust (CBHT), aims to ensure at least a baseline volume of truth reverberates through the early morning airwaves.
The innovative procedure employs state-of-the-art truthometer technology, reminiscent of a lie detector but slightly more theatrical and significantly louder. Each morning, before the cameras roll, hosts Steve Doocy, Ainsley Earhardt, and Brian Kilmeade gather in a picturesque pre-dawn ritual where they are hooked up to the truthometer by highly-trained media honesty technicians licensed by CBHT.
“The meter operates on the principle of resounding truth,” explains Dr. Veracity Tackett, Chief Engineer at the Bureau for Technological Transparency. “We’ve calibrated it to emit an encouraging ‘ding’ every time a factoid surpasses the mandated truth threshold. If we hear more than two dings during the pre-show ritual, we greenlight the broadcast.”
While critics argue the practicality and necessity of such a measure, early reports suggest that the hosts have risen to the occasion with customary enthusiasm. “Each ding feels like a tiny ovation, validating our commitment to whatever version of reality we’re currently discussing,” declared Brian Kilmeade after a particularly vigorous session.
The mandate does not prohibit burgeoning discussions or impromptu commentary, although analyses from the Unofficial Society of Sound Analysts (USSA) show a concerning spike in producers frantically feeding notes deemed “ding-worthy” through earpieces at strategic moments.
The public’s reaction to this endeavor has been mixed. A recent survey conducted by the Unbiased Institute for Unprovable Data revealed that 67% of viewers are uncertain whether this will impact their viewing habits, while another 23% felt the use of the term “decibel” in truth decibel requires a certain degree of poetic license. The remaining 10% were unavailable for comment due to simultaneous microwaving of breakfast pastries.
Of course, not all outcomes have been ideal. During the inaugural test, the debut of the truthometer was delayed when anchor Ainsley Earhardt rushed off to change out of her “slightly-too-opinionated” blouse, arguing with makeup that its pattern seemed “too busy for such an important day.”
The ramifications of this bold experiment in televised jurisprudence are yet to be fully realized; however, insiders report early conversations at other networks around adopting similar programs. “It’s about time,” muses Penelope Truthworthy of Keeping the Audience Honest (KAH), an organization quietly overseeing these developments. “We’re hoping this is the dawn of a new era where reliability and decibels are measured in equal importance on America’s most watched stage.”
As the sun rises over morning television, producers are left to ponder the future, worried what a lack of “ding” might mean for public perceptions. Meanwhile, viewers can rest easy knowing that just below the studio spotlights, a small truthometer ticks away, faithfully recording every decibel of fact.
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