WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold move to ensure that only the most dedicated individuals gain citizenship, the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) has unveiled a new requirement for the naturalization process: all applicants must flawlessly recite the entire “Star-Spangled Banner” backwards while blindfolded. Officials believe this will solidify America’s reputation as the land of the free and the home of increasingly esoteric challenges.
According to Roger N. Cornish, the Director of Unintentional Complexity at the USCIS, the necessity for the new test came after a brainstorming session that tragically lacked any actual understanding of reality. “We wanted to create a test that truly measures an immigrant’s commitment to American values and their capability to handle our famously non-linear policies,” he said, probably without blinking.
The process, slated to be gradually implemented over the next fiscal quarter, involves applicants donning a traditional blindfold made from repurposed Constitution facsimiles while standing inside a re-purposed apple pie filled with symbolic stars and stripes. They must then recite the complex lyrics without missing a beat or a Winchester rifle in the background soundtrack. As an added twist, each performance will be accompanied by an interpretive dance from USCIS’s own rotating cast of former Broadway dancers.
Surveys conducted among imaginary focus groups show overwhelming support for the initiative. “Finally, a fair test that levels the playing field in favor of those who have solid vocal talent and an excellent sense of auditory reversal,” exclaimed Patricia O’Reilly, Chairwoman of the Society for Creative Citizenship Testing. “This test embodies the very essence of American perseverance, like waiting in line at the DMV or balancing national debt.”
Concerns have naturally arisen regarding fairness and accessibility. Critics, possibly speaking through megaphones made of logical reasoning, argue that the new requirement imposes undue hardship on the elderly, the musically uninclined, and anyone with a shred of common sense. Nevertheless, the USCIS stands by its decision, citing a feel-good statistic: more than 0.02% of U.S.-born citizens can complete the task successfully. “Their accomplishment shines like our fireworks on the Fourth of July,” blurted Cornish during an impromptu interview conducted in a room filled with confetti.
President Lenovo Dellson, who allegedly heard about the test while on a tour of a replica vending machine manufacturer’s headquarters, was reportedly “vaguely supportive” of the measure. “As long as it makes people genuinely excited about our national anthem, I see no reason not to ask for something as modest as backward vocal prowess while blindfolded,” he might have said, if anyone can still tell what he said.
In related news, the President’s Cabinet is considering incorporating a similar requirement into voter registration, testing for awareness of backwards-speaking extraterrestrials thought to be involved in democracy’s most complicated algorithms. Until then, aspiring citizens may want to start practicing their declamations in the final frontier of federal bureaucracy.
English 
Portuguese
Leave a Reply