**Melania Trump Files $1B Lawsuit Against Hunter Biden, Citing Emotional Distress From Watching Paint Dry**
NEW YORK—In a groundbreaking legal maneuver that experts say could redefine boredom laws in America, former First Lady Melania Trump has filed a $1 billion lawsuit against Hunter Biden. The suit, which lists “emotional distress from watching paint dry” among its charges, was submitted to the Southern District Court this past Tuesday.
The lawsuit alleges that a series of paintings by Hunter Biden, known for their prodigious use of drips and swirls, caused significant emotional trauma to Mrs. Trump after she reportedly watched the “artwork evolve” for an extended period. It claims that the mental toll was substantial enough to warrant nine figured compensation. “My client was under the impression that she was attending a cultural event,” said her attorney, Seymour P. Credulous. “Instead, what she experienced was an exposure to indeterminate hues blending at an infinitesimal pace — the hardship was palpable.”
Credulous contends that the trauma was exacerbated by the anticipation of a climax that never occurred. “There was a canvas, brushes, and a palette — all the trappings of excitement — yet nothing happened,” he remarked solemnly at a press briefing.
According to a study from the American Institute of Mundanity, over 72% of Americans reportedly experience a similar form of tedium-induced distress each year. However, experts say this is the first instance of someone preparing to claim a billion-dollar settlement for its effects. Professor Ivor D. Bore, a boredom specialist from the University of Inexpressive Art, stated, “The suit brings to the fore just how entertaining the monotony of once-wet paint can actually be, mostly as a statement piece about our cultural judicial system.”
The White House has yet to comment, but sources claim that the saga has already prompted a formation of a new congressional committee tasked with “Investigating the Psychological Impacts of Aesthetically Challenged Expressionism.”
Critics, however, are skeptical of the lawsuit’s merit. A spokesperson for Biden rebuffed the claims, saying, “In Hunter’s defense, the dry time of paint can vary based on brand and artistic whims. No one could foresee the existential despair of a protracted paint-drying session.”
As the legal proceedings begin to unfold, many Americans are watching closely, curious about the precedence this litigation might set. Should the case progress, it could pave the way for future lawsuits against a plethora of everyday activities ranging from watching grass grow to counting sheep.
For now, the nation watches, speechless, perhaps in the same way Melania watched those vivid, yet utterly static, landscapes of chromatic passivity. As the court case develops, one can only hope that whatever draining ordeal she endured will not lead to a definition of entertainment based solely on the speed at which it dries.
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