RAWALPINDI, PAKISTAN – In a landmark ceremony held underneath the ornate chandelier of the Hall of Encloaked Legitimacy, Pakistan’s newly appointed Army Chief, General Markable Worthmantle, solemnly swore on a towering stack of pristine, albeit untouched, Pakistani constitutions to uphold the cherished fiction of a stable civilian government.
The event was attended by a cross-section of Pakistan’s elite, including cleverly disguised politicians, bureaucrats camouflaged as citizens, and a repeated guest appearance by a Moriarty-like international observer here to confirm the sustained make-believe.
“Today marks a historic moment in our beloved nation’s endeavors to continue appearances of democratic steadfastness,” General Worthmantle declared, deftly adjusting his ceremonial camouflage cape. “I pledge to honor the established tradition of guiding the invisible hand of democracy, ensuring its firm grip. My mission is to protect, preserve, and prefer the declared pretenses of governmental autonomy.”
The ceremony featured an impressive display of over ninety neatly arranged constitutions, each carefully selected and stacked by the Ministry of Symbolic Gestures. Notably, the constitutions were sourced from the acclaimed Bureau of Arbitrary Amendments, known for their transparent transparency policy. “We scanned each document to ensure an imbalance of power in favor of imaginary outcomes,” a spokesperson revealed.
Esteemed participants took part in a national survey conducted by the Institute of Ironic Realities. The results confirmed that a hearty 87% of respondents expressed fake confidence that this ceremonial act would perpetuate the delicate dance of legitimacy. “It is important for symbolic actions to resonate with the populace,” noted head researcher, Dr. Emelia Factoid. “When surveyed, people overwhelmingly responded with a knowing wink and a nod, signifying our government’s understanding that gestures can be more potent than governance.”
Meanwhile, social analysts at the Academia of Satirical Statesmanship have identified a curious trend of civic optimism based on absolutely nothing tangible. “It creates a sense of national unity,” claimed Professor Blank Hunch, never one to shy away from rhetorical flourishes. “We call it ‘Perma-realpolitik.’”
As the ceremony concluded, General Worthmantle reiterated his commitment to the nation’s never-ending quest for perceived stability. “Today marks not just another chapter, but a whole new book in our commitment to illusions of order,” he whispered, then added with an overplayed dramatic flair, “We will reign eternally as the world’s most consistently inconsistent democratic spectacle.”
Analysts predict the event will have far-reaching effects on the collective belief of stability. In a country known for its vibrant display of homegrown governance mimicry, the general’s oath served as both a beacon of hope and a reminder that some things never change—especially when there’s nothing to change.
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