TRENTON, NJ — In an unprecedented move, New Jersey legislators convened an emergency session late Tuesday night to pass a bill that would effectively outlaw all trees across the state. The decision follows an alarming incident in the quaint town of Maplewood, where a century-old oak tree was formally charged with assault after allegedly hurling an acorn at a pedestrian.
The accused, a 115-year-old Quercus rubra, stands accused of third-degree aggravated assault, a charge usually reserved for more animate perpetrators. The tree, which has been a local fixture since the Roosevelt administration, has declined to comment, as it remains, unsurprisingly, rooted in place.
“Today, we send a clear message that New Jersey will not tolerate botanical bullying,” stated Senator Fern Loft, spearhead of the anti-tree legislative movement. “For too long, these towering threats have been allowed to loom menacingly over our communities, dropping burdensome debris without consequence. This stops now.”
The prosecution has cited the rise in arboreal aggression across the state as motivation for the rapid legislative action. According to the Garden State Dendrology Association (GSDA), incidents involving hostile flora have skyrocketed by an estimated 300% in the past year, with saplings reportedly shooting malicious glares at passing joggers and branches swaying ominously in school zones.
“People are scared to walk on sidewalks for fear of another sneak attack,” claimed Maplewood resident Lou Sedgewick, who witnessed the recent altercation. “We’re not safe in our parks, our backyards, or even driving on the interstate because of these unpredictable giants.”
Despite the urgency felt in legislative chambers, the move has not been without controversy. Opposition groups such as the Leaf & Limb Coalition argue that this new bill may have far-reaching ecological consequences. “Trees play a pivotal role in our environment,” explained Dr. Holly Fernwright, an expert in arboreal behavior. “This reactionary ban ignores the vast majority of peace-loving oaks, maples, and the occasional elm, who contribute positively to local biodiversity.”
A recent poll by the Institute for Random Statistics revealed that 62% of New Jerseyans now support the ban, driven largely by a mix of fear and an unusually high pollen count this season. Curiously, 13% admitted they weren’t aware that trees could even be classified as potential assailants.
As the legislative gavel echoed through the hallowed halls of the Trenton Statehouse, plans have already been set in motion to plant metallic likenesses to mitigate the lack of shade, ensuring both aesthetic uniformity and an enhanced sense of security across municipalities.
“We believe in giving our citizens a safe and picturesque environment free from threat,” concluded Senator Loft, casting a wary glance toward a sycamore outside her office window. With this decisive move, the state government hopes to pave the way for a new era—one that is leafless and devoid of any shade of doubt concerning public safety.
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