FDA Approves Tentacle-Rabbit Milk After Deciding It’s Technically Not Their Problem

**FDA Approves Tentacle-Rabbit Milk After Deciding It’s Technically Not Their Problem**

In a groundbreaking decision poised to shake the dairy industry to its core, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has given the green light to tentacle-rabbit milk, a product sourced from genetically engineered mammals that are part lagomorph and part cephalopod. The decision comes after months of deliberation, during which the agency ultimately concluded that the product fell outside their regulatory purview, leaving many to question who exactly is responsible for this new breed of milk.

“After extensive review, it was determined that tentacle-rabbit milk does not meet the criteria for any category of substances under our jurisdiction,” said Dr. Melanie Swatch, head of the FDA’s Dairy, Dairy-Adjacent, and Dairy-Inspired Products Division. “The regulatory framework simply does not account for interspecies linguistic hybridization, especially when those species do not have a noted history of milk production.”

The tentacle-rabbit, affectionately dubbed the ‘Cuddleslurper’ by scientists, was developed by the biotech firm GeneSplice United. According to GeneSplice CEO Leonard Winkler, the project began with the intention of creating a hypoallergenic pet that also produces a highly nutritious milk. “We stumbled onto this fantastic milk completely by accident,” admitted Winkler in a press release. “To be honest, the Cuddleslurpers just started lactating inexplicably after a particularly loud thunderstorm, but we weren’t about to let perfectly functional teats go to waste.”

In recent surveys conducted by the Institute of Unconventional Consumables, it was found that a shocking 72% of surveyed consumers expressed interest in trying the new milk, citing curiosity, health benefits, and an innate desire to consume anything described as “thrillingly otherworldly.” Meanwhile, 28% questioned the integrity of the survey data itself, insisting they had never encountered an octopus-bunny hybrid in their day-to-day lives.

Further complicating the narrative, a passionate online community of pseudo-gourmets has emerged, promoting a diet exclusively focused on animal derivatives that defy classic biological categorizations. “We’re the pioneers exploring the gustatory boundaries,” said Amalfi Kettle, leader of the Facebook group “Tentacle Toffee Tasting Team,” boasting of their plans to pair the rabbitid milk with artichoke-stuffed squid for an upcoming virtual potluck.

The Environmental Responsibility Coalition has also voiced tentative approval, as early research indicates Cuddleslurpers only consume air pollution via modified poriferous feed, potentially doubling their social function as helplessly adorable urban air filters.

Nevertheless, questions remain as to which government body will ultimately preside over the tentacle-rabbit milk industry. While the Department of the Interior hesitated to label the Cuddleslurper as either wildlife or furniture, the Department of Animal-Welfare Permutations and Miscellanea has requested a five-year grace period to figure out what the “H-E-double-hockey-sticks” they’re supposed to do.

Ultimately, as tentacle-rabbit milk prepares to hit shelves nationwide, the public seems ready to embrace whatever this bold new frontier may taste like. “I am personally skeptical,” confessed Dr. Swatch, clutching her evening latte. “But, as policy dictates, that’s technically just not my problem.”