The Fraudulent Times – Deception You Can Depend On
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JavaScript Introduces ‘====’ to Ensure Absolute Equality, Promises ‘Pure, Uncut Truth’ by 2027
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In its ongoing quest to eliminate any remaining traces of developer confidence, the JavaScript Standards Committee announced this week the upcoming release of a new equality operator: ====, which it describes as “like ===, but more honest about your disappointment.” “The == operator was a mistake. We admit that,” said ECMAScript…
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Nintendo Finally Releases Switch 2, Says It’s “The Future of Gaming, Probably”
KYOTO, JAPAN — After years of anticipation and a marketing campaign built almost entirely on interpretive dance and vague silhouettes, Nintendo has officially released the Switch 2, the next-generation console that promises to redefine the gaming experience, or at the very least, clarify none of it. “This is the most advanced system we’ve ever created,”…
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Guitar Center Rebrands to Banjo Center in Bold Attempt to Alienate Remaining Customers
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA — In a sweeping pivot meant to reflect “the acoustic soul of America’s past, whether anyone asked for it or not,” Guitar Center announced Monday it will rebrand as Banjo Center, effective immediately. The company hopes the move will finally cement its place as the nation’s leading supplier of instruments no one…
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In Leaked Recording From His Deathbed, Andrés Segovia Regrets Pursuing Guitar Over Banjo
MADRID, Spain — In a revelation that has rocked the classical music world and left the banjo community quietly smug, a newly uncovered deathbed recording of legendary guitarist Andrés Segovia has revealed that the Spanish virtuoso regretted dedicating his life to the guitar instead of the banjo — a statement musicologists are calling “deeply shocking,”…
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Tired of “Ok, Boomer” Comments, Local Cashier Legally Changes Name—Accidentally Becomes Next Meme
TOLEDO, OH — After months of relentless teenage ridicule via the phrase “Ok, Boomer,” local cashier Bob Boomer finally had enough. In an effort to evade the viral taunts, he legally changed his name—only to discover that his new name had, somehow, already gone viral. “I just wanted peace,” said the 52-year-old, now legally named…
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Amazon Announces New Tombstone-Side Delivery Service for Customers Who Can’t Even Anymore
SEATTLE, WA — In its latest attempt to ensure same-day delivery, Amazon has unveiled Prime Eternal, a new tombstone-side delivery service allowing deceased Prime members to continue receiving packages post-mortem. The service, already in beta testing across select cemeteries in Florida and Arizona, promises to bring “unprecedented convenience to the permanently stationary.” According to Amazon…
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Local Facebook Hero Incapable of Understanding AI’s Failure to Regurgitate Simple Facts About Western Early Music
SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local Facebook warrior and self-proclaimed “music historian” Greg Dawson has once again bravely taken to the comments section to demand an explanation for why artificial intelligence can’t accurately regurgitate simple facts about Western early music, despite its so-called “advanced learning capabilities.” Dawson, 54, a part-time landscaper and full-time spreader of unsolicited opinions,…
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