The Fraudulent Times

The Fraudulent Times – Deception You Can Depend On

  • Nintendo Finally Releases Switch 2, Says It’s “The Future of Gaming, Probably”

    KYOTO, JAPAN — After years of anticipation and a marketing campaign built almost entirely on interpretive dance and vague silhouettes, Nintendo has officially released the Switch 2, the next-generation console that promises to redefine the gaming experience, or at the very least, clarify none of it. “This is the most advanced system we’ve ever created,”…

  • Post-Duolinguistic Trauma Leaves Language Learners Fluent, Shaky, and Wary of Green Owls

    ZURICH, SWITZERLAND — A groundbreaking study released this week from the International Institute of Polyglot Rehabilitation (IIPR) reveals a troubling linguistic phenomenon affecting adult second-language learners: Post-Duolinguistic Trauma (PDT), a newly recognized condition marked by compulsive sentence rearrangement, involuntary passive voice usage, and recurring nightmares involving a judgmental green owl whispering, “You missed your streak.”…

  • Guitar Center Rebrands to Banjo Center in Bold Attempt to Alienate Remaining Customers

    WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA — In a sweeping pivot meant to reflect “the acoustic soul of America’s past, whether anyone asked for it or not,” Guitar Center announced Monday it will rebrand as Banjo Center, effective immediately. The company hopes the move will finally cement its place as the nation’s leading supplier of instruments no one…

  • In Leaked Recording From His Deathbed, Andrés Segovia Regrets Pursuing Guitar Over Banjo

    MADRID, Spain — In a revelation that has rocked the classical music world and left the banjo community quietly smug, a newly uncovered deathbed recording of legendary guitarist Andrés Segovia has revealed that the Spanish virtuoso regretted dedicating his life to the guitar instead of the banjo — a statement musicologists are calling “deeply shocking,”…

  • Intern Mixes Up Roman Numerals, Causing Bethesda to Release Oblivion Instead of Elder Scrolls VI

    ROCKVILLE, MD — In what industry analysts are calling “the most on-brand screw-up in gaming history,” Bethesda Softworks accidentally re-released The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion this week after a summer intern mistook the Roman numeral “VI” for “IV,” causing the studio to ship a 19-year-old game instead of the long-awaited Elder Scrolls VI. The error,…

  • Tired of “Ok, Boomer” Comments, Local Cashier Legally Changes Name—Accidentally Becomes Next Meme

    TOLEDO, OH — After months of relentless teenage ridicule via the phrase “Ok, Boomer,” local cashier Bob Boomer finally had enough. In an effort to evade the viral taunts, he legally changed his name—only to discover that his new name had, somehow, already gone viral. “I just wanted peace,” said the 52-year-old, now legally named…

  • Amazon Announces New Tombstone-Side Delivery Service for Customers Who Can’t Even Anymore

    SEATTLE, WA — In its latest attempt to ensure same-day delivery, Amazon has unveiled Prime Eternal, a new tombstone-side delivery service allowing deceased Prime members to continue receiving packages post-mortem. The service, already in beta testing across select cemeteries in Florida and Arizona, promises to bring “unprecedented convenience to the permanently stationary.” According to Amazon…

  • FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

    NIH and Niantic Announce Groundbreaking Public Health Initiative: ‘Gotta Catch ’em all!’ Mobile App March 2025 – Washington, D.C. – The National Institutes of Health (NIH) and Niantic, the company behind Pokémon GO, have announced an unprecedented collaboration to revolutionize disease awareness and tracking with the launch of ‘Gotta Catch ’em all!’, a state-of-the-art mobile…

  • Local Facebook Hero Incapable of Understanding AI’s Failure to Regurgitate Simple Facts About Western Early Music

    SPRINGFIELD, IL — Local Facebook warrior and self-proclaimed “music historian” Greg Dawson has once again bravely taken to the comments section to demand an explanation for why artificial intelligence can’t accurately regurgitate simple facts about Western early music, despite its so-called “advanced learning capabilities.” Dawson, 54, a part-time landscaper and full-time spreader of unsolicited opinions,…

  • WOTC Executes Brilliant Money-Saving Strategy: Aetherdrift

    RENTON, WA — Wizards of the Coast (WOTC) has once again proven its business acumen by unveiling its newest cost-saving initiative for consumers: Aetherdrift, a revolutionary Magic: The Gathering product so profoundly unappealing that players will effortlessly retain their money by choosing not to buy it. “We’re always looking for innovative ways to enhance our…

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